Flowers? Chocolates?… or maybe ______? are appropriate Mother’s Day gifts for normal people.
Under the assumption that all of you have/had, or are espoused to, “a mother”; you recently had the “what to get her for Mother’s Day?” dilemma. My solution certainly isn’t for everyone but worked for us.
My eventual eulogy will never praise my generous gift-giving prowess… although “creative gift-giving” might sneak in somewhere. About a decade ago I settled into a “nice house plant” tradition. Same nearby florist about 24 hours before the occasion at around $50 give/take. I learned that an amaryllis is always a hit. Depending upon the magnitude of the occasion I might include a Whitman Sampler or chocolate-covered cherries.
What about jewelry you might say. I know as little about jewelry as Ol’ Roy does about everything but BB and golf.
You might recall my recent Christmas Lollapalooza – (1) a $500 complete attic clean-out PLUS (2) a $200 gift certificate to the local “Shooting Academy”. No, not the one that uses prominent Lib/Dems as target models (but you can bring your own). This one is pretty swanky, offering AK-47s, MP-5s and the kind of handgun selection that a Derm street gangsta would dream of. Blondie and I are waiting for the perfect occasion to use it.
For bygone Christmases I have gone with a fold-into-the-wall ironing board and a padded toilet seat…. Neither were as big a hit as the attic / shooting combo. …. Which brings us to the recent Mother’s Day.
I was thinking one of those stainless steel garden hoses you see on TV. The one that a Great White cannot bite thru. Great White attacks on garden hoses is a reoccurring problem on our fashionable North Raleigh cul-de-sac. But at the last minute I changed course.
“Busting liberal chops” is Blondie’s vocation and avocation. Does that mean she would do it for free? No way; but she doesn’t have to. “Working in the yard” / “Gardening” is a close #2 favorite. She pretends that rabbits and other flower-eating varmints are liberals and artfully combines her two hobbies.
I listen when she rambles on about her next “yard project”…. unless I’m at a really critical part in my current audiobook. Then I try to read her lips. I picked up a keyword several weeks ago that moved “sharkproof hose” off the MDay list.
This year’s Mother’s Day present was …..
a Freakin’ Chainsaw.
The “guy in the red vest” at Lowe’s was a frustrated stand-up comedian. When I said “if I ask you ‘where are the women’s chainsaws’ would you report me for being sexist?, he deadpanned “Aisle 16, halfway down on the right.” …. Then added “the ones for homicidal lesbians are further down on the left.” We bonded right then and there and traded zingers for a full ten minutes.
Yes, “Leatherface” and Texas Chainsaw Massacre came up. He offered to show me Lowe’s selection of Official Jason Voorhees machetes. I said “maybe for her birthday.”
I fed him “whats the difference between the $52 one and the $75 one?” I knew exactly where he would go. He pretended to count on his fingers before saying “$23?”
I threw in a pair of decorator safety goggles and a bottle of Official Women’s Chainsaw Oil. He said he was retired from 20 years with the US Forestry Service. I said “being a forest ranger” was in my Top Three “had it to do over again” occupations. He said “being an Internet Legend” was on his list. I’m pretty sure he was just sucking up. I left Lowe’s with a chainsaw, goggles, oil and some Grade A column fodder.
I know what you’re thinking – What about the garden hose? Thursday AM at 7 AM Kid texted us “HAPPY 33rd ANNIVERSARY Mom & Dad”. YIKES…. May 18th! We had both forgotten. A quick google revealed that #33 is The Garden Hose Anniversary. Coincidence? I think not. Take THAT Great White Sharks of North Raleigh.
Can we just pretend that I talk about the Sports Media KABOOM this week between LaVar Ball and Colin Cowherd’s “Eye Candy Girl” Kristine Leahy. If LaVar Ball is not the poster jackass for everything pathetic re: modern sports media what is?
My total boycott of all things NBA continues. I will add NBA to WNBA (duh!) – NHL – UFC – NCAA Softball and anything involving the word “Draft” or “Recruiting”.
Duke SuperDocs had cautiously predicted “maybe 20/60 but probably 20/80” for my left eye recovery. Using “… until I met a man who had no feet” 20/60 is better than “blind” by a lot but eliminates “driving”, “reading menus”, A LOT that I used to take for granted.
…. BUT WAIT, THERE”S MORE!
Last week I read the freakin’ 20/40 line ! Yessireee BobLee… I’m back to kicking a** and taking names… driving… reading menus… and pretty much everything. YIPPEEE!
Eight weeks ago at the apex of “feeling sorry for myself”, I made a pact with God…. Restore my vision and I won’t pick on Ol’ Roy any more.
Friday morning St Peter delivered a note from The Big Guy HisOnSelf. ….
“BL, I have decided that I enjoy your Ol’ Roy shots too much. He needs to be picked on and You Da Man to do it. I am modifing our pact to you giving up The NBA and cauliflower. Go get’em Sport and tell AgentPierce to keep on keepin’ on too…
Your Buddy & Personal Saviour,
Life Is Good!
Speaking of AgentPierce…. He is indeed back “on the hunt”.