Mother’s Day? Flowers! Chocolates! OR _______?

Mothers Day
BobLee
May20/ 2017

Flowers? Chocolates?… or maybe ______? are appropriate Mother’s Day gifts for normal people.

Under the assumption that all of you have/had, or are espoused to, “a mother”; you recently had the “what to get her for Mother’s Day?” dilemma. My solution certainly isn’t for everyone but worked for us.

My eventual eulogy will never praise my generous gift-giving prowess… although “creative gift-giving” might sneak in somewhere. About a decade ago I settled into a “nice house plant” tradition. Same nearby florist about 24 hours before the occasion at around $50 give/take. I learned that an amaryllis is always a hit. Depending upon the magnitude of the occasion I might include a Whitman Sampler or chocolate-covered cherries.

What about jewelry you might say. I know as little about jewelry as Ol’ Roy does about everything but BB and golf.

You might recall my recent Christmas Lollapalooza – (1) a $500 complete attic clean-out PLUS (2) a $200 gift certificate to the local “Shooting Academy”. No, not the one that uses prominent Lib/Dems as target models (but you can bring your own). This one is pretty swanky, offering AK-47s, MP-5s and the kind of handgun selection that a Derm street gangsta would dream of. Blondie and I are waiting for the perfect occasion to use it.

For bygone Christmases I have gone with a fold-into-the-wall ironing board and a padded toilet seat…. Neither were as big a hit as the attic / shooting combo. …. Which brings us to the recent Mother’s Day.

I was thinking one of those stainless steel garden hoses you see on TV. The one that a Great White cannot bite thru. Great White attacks on garden hoses is a reoccurring problem on our fashionable North Raleigh cul-de-sac. But at the last minute I changed course.

“Busting liberal chops” is Blondie’s vocation and avocation. Does that mean she would do it for free? No way; but she doesn’t have to. “Working in the yard” / “Gardening” is a close #2 favorite. She pretends that rabbits and other flower-eating varmints are liberals and artfully combines her two hobbies.

I listen when she rambles on about her next “yard project”…. unless I’m at a really critical part in my current audiobook. Then I try to read her lips. I picked up a keyword several weeks ago that moved “sharkproof hose” off the MDay list.

This year’s Mother’s Day present was …..

a Freakin’ Chainsaw.

chainsawThe “guy in the red vest” at Lowe’s was a frustrated stand-up comedian. When I said “if I ask you ‘where are the women’s chainsaws’ would you report me for being sexist?, he deadpanned “Aisle 16, halfway down on Lowes Guythe right.” …. Then added “the ones for homicidal lesbians are further down on the left.” We bonded right then and there and traded zingers for a full ten minutes.

Yes, “Leatherface” and Texas Chainsaw Massacre came up. He offered to show me Lowe’s selection of Official Jason Voorhees machetes. I said “maybe for her birthday.”

I fed him “whats the difference between the $52 one and the $75 one?” I knew exactly where he would go. He pretended to count on his fingers before saying “$23?”

I threw in a pair of decorator safety goggles and a bottle of Official Women’s Chainsaw Oil. He said he was retired from 20 years with the US Forestry Service. I said “being a forest ranger” was in my Top Three “had it to do over again” occupations. He said “being an Internet Legend” was on his list. I’m pretty sure he was just sucking up. I left Lowe’s with a chainsaw, goggles, oil and some Grade A column fodder.

The chainsaw was a BIG HIT…. Really. I texted Kid and she replied with a skull & crossbones emoggie…. And a snarky “better than the toilet seat, Dad”.Garden Hose

I know what you’re thinking – What about the garden hose? Thursday AM at 7 AM  Kid texted us “HAPPY 33rd ANNIVERSARY Mom & Dad”. YIKES…. May 18th! We had both forgotten.   A quick google revealed that #33 is The Garden Hose Anniversary. Coincidence? I think not. Take THAT Great White Sharks of North Raleigh.

##

Can we just pretend that I talk about the Sports Media KABOOM this week between LaVar Ball and Colin Cowherd’s “Eye Candy Girl” Kristine Leahy. If LaVar Ball is not the poster jackass for everything pathetic re: modern sports media what is?

Leahy

My total boycott of all things NBA continues. I will add NBA to WNBA (duh!) – NHL – UFC – NCAA Softball and anything involving the word “Draft” or “Recruiting”.

Eye Update:

Duke SuperDocs had cautiously predicted “maybe 20/60 but probably 20/80” for my left eye recovery. Using “… until I met a man who had no feet” 20/60 is better than “blind” by a lot but eliminates “driving”, “reading menus”, A LOT that I used to take for granted.

…. BUT WAIT, THERE”S MORE!

Last week I read the freakin’ 20/40 line ! Yessireee BobLee… I’m back to kicking a** and taking names… driving… reading menus… and pretty much everything. YIPPEEE!

Astronauting is still OUT but MLB Umpire is still an option judging from recent Cardinal games.  Prayer

Eight weeks ago at the apex of “feeling sorry for myself”, I made a pact with God…. Restore my vision and I won’t pick on Ol’ Roy any more.

Friday morning St Peter delivered a note from The Big Guy HisOnSelf. ….

“BL, I have decided that I enjoy your Ol’ Roy shots too much.  He needs to be picked on and You Da Man to do it. I am  modifing our pact to you giving up The NBA and cauliflower. Go get’em Sport and tell AgentPierce to keep on keepin’ on too…
Your Buddy & Personal Saviour,
God

Life Is Good!

##

Speaking of AgentPierce…. He is indeed back “on the hunt”.  

Check him out if it’s your cuppa tea.   LINK.

AgentPierce##

BobLee
  • ultraviolet Reply
    5 months ago

    Glad you got your vision back. By getting your wife a chainsaw you’ve revealed a hopelessly romantic side

    • BobLee Reply
      5 months ago

      I thought so. 🙂

  • 70sTarheel Reply
    5 months ago

    Congrats on your improving vision and your anniversary. My wife and I celebrated our 33rd on the very next day. When we recently moved from Amelia Island back to her family farm in NC, she sold her convertible and bought one of those big boy Kubota tractors, front end loader and all. I hope to get to use it one day!

    • BobLee Reply
      5 months ago

      After 30+ years one should “know” one’s partner. 🙂

  • WolfPack00 Reply
    5 months ago

    A couple things we have in common. I have that very same chainsaw. My wife uses it often. My anniversary is also on May 18. We did dinner at Winston’s.

    Glad the eyes are doing well.

    • BobLee Reply
      5 months ago

      We chose Bonefish. They have a pecan-crusted trout I really like.
      .
      I bet we have other stuff in common too. 🙂

  • NCSU68Grad Reply
    5 months ago

    DownEast….
    I worried too about the poor Lowes guy becoming a target on social media and having to enter the witness protection program like Darren Wilson (Ferguson LEO – Michael Brown – BLM mafia). Folks DO know where BL might shop and there maybe LBGTQX infiltrators that will prowl and see if they can get a “hit” and out him. Brer Kennel may be the double agent that they send in as he looks so “Republican”…
    .
    Doug,
    As an “Ex” Tool Company employee (we actually cut a deal with Tim Allen for advertising….nice guy), I’m on the fence. For what Blondie needs to do and assuming that the BL Estate has the necessary GFCI protected outside receptacles and is not as sprawling as John Edwards or Al Gore’s Mega McMansions, BL made the right choice….I am SURE that his pocketbook was NOT consulted. The electric models are much lighter and are for small pruning and such. My wife could easily use one….but she has me and my Paul Bunyan Husky at her beck and call. Her favorite tool is a large, long handled bolt cutter style compound action limb lopper. It will handle up to 2.5″ cuts and has enough mechanical advantage for her. Past that, it is ToolTime with the Husky. I just ordered some Electronic Headphones (on sale at Cabela’s) for Skeet and Pistol Shooting that have an audio IN jack. Nothing like shooting an AR 15 or a Dirty Harry Special or cutting down dying Lelands whilst listening to Bob Seger’s “Like a Rock” or Don McLean’s “American Pie”.
    .
    I WILL state that I thought I had died and gone to be with Jimmy V upstairs when I bought an 18 VDC Dewalt 3 Speed Driver/Drill that had enough torque to do a tire change for Jeff Gordon. THEN, DeWalt came out with their 20 VDC Lithium Brushless series and THAT is the NUTS. Lighter and the battery lasts forever and does NOT RUN DOWN in storage. It is my FAVORITE Drill and I have 4 of them to choose from….as buying a NEW drill with batteries was cheaper than purchasing batteries.
    BUT, the 36 – 40 VDC Lithium Battery chainsaws are HEAVY. Heavier than my Husky and no one will publish a “torque” number on them. I had a very sharp boss at the Tool Company who loved his little electric saw….then came Fran and he had several larger trees down. We finally got a CP&L crew to do some of the heavy work…but he was left with the small stuff. He and Mr. Stihl became good friends.
    .
    I’m with BL on the cost and ease of use and convenience….Catch Wilson’s Outdoor Products (DT Raleigh) in October when they run their BOGO on Chains and buy about 4. Don’t even sharpen them….too expensive. Put on a new one and tell the operator NOT to do felling in the DIRT…

    • BobLee Reply
      5 months ago

      Brer Kennel ????? Oh yeah, I remember him. Likable ol’ coot but crazier than an outhouse mouse.

  • Down East Heel Reply
    5 months ago

    BL,

    I’ll join the chorus singing “hallelujah” regarding your good news. Wait a minute….I can’t carry a note in a 5 gallon bucket. Think I’ll just tell you I’m very happy for you.

    I am hopeful the picture of the Lowes guy isn’t really him. I’m concerned the Lowes PC Police Swat Team may serve papers on him for the homocidal lesbians comment.

    Should that happen Lowes can join Target on my personal boycott list. I was boycotting Target before boycotting Target was cool.

    • BobLee Reply
      5 months ago

      Not him… just a google Lowes guy. My guy was very NOT PC. It was a hoot. Have not been to Target in over a year.

      • Down East Heel Reply
        5 months ago

        Lost count as to the number of years since I’ve been to Target. The removal of Paula Deen cookware for something she may have said 30 years prior did it for me. Guess they weren’t in Church to hear the “let he who is without sin cast the first stone” sermon.” ? The bathroom deal was just gravy on the mashed taters.

        • BobLee Reply
          5 months ago

          Nothing there I can’t find elsewhere or am willing to do without.

  • Arnold Isley Reply
    5 months ago

    Glad for the good vision news- I think this would fit: BTLOMS ( see Ps 103 )

  • Doug Reply
    5 months ago

    No hits, no runs, no errors, NO CORDS and the 80 volt model is only $20 more.

    https://www.lowes.com/pd/Kobalt-40-Volt-Lithium-Ion-Li-ion-12-in-Cordless-Electric-Chainsaw/1000180465

    • BobLee Reply
      5 months ago

      I’m sure… however history has proven this specific recipient deals with “cords” better than gas or battery power. PLUS… “hers” was only $52 and smaller in size / lighter weight. Her primary targets are saplings and anything no more than 5″ in diameter… and, of course, “damn rabbits”.

  • GrahamPacker Reply
    5 months ago

    GrahamPacker

    Just wanted to say “GREAT” on the new peeps news.

    • BobLee Reply
      5 months ago

      Thanks.

  • NCSU68Grad Reply
    5 months ago

    Great choice, BL. My daughter, a single mom, would appreciate one. BUT, she has her dad and he bought himself one of the “perfessinal” Husqvarna 5.5’s last fall. My 1992 Husky (same displacement) was not as robust, in the cylinder, as it once was and I got tired of not having the power. SO, I got a new one and it DOES cut.
    .
    I have a liberal retired school teacher friend in Richmond who is single and retired. She was constantly complaining about cutting limbs with beat up shears and the drudgery of the small pruning saw that I gave her. We were out shopping in Williamsburg one time and there was Tool Shop in the mall. I offered to buy her one of the electric’s that they had on sale. One would have thought that I had offered to give her a fully auto Assault Rifle (choose the numbers and caliber of YOUR choice). She did NOT need such an evil implement of destruction….I did point out that it was electric and had zero carbon footprint. No DICE….it did save me from spending more on her Christmas present than I usually do.
    .
    Glad the peepers are healing nicely. Give yourself a treat and do something daring that requires good eyesight. Maybe go to the next Rev BB’s Town Meetings and spot the Humping Hippies….I understand that they are becoming more extinct due to their age….

    • BobLee Reply
      5 months ago

      The one I got Blondie is “electric”. Her ability to reforestate the planet is limited to 150′ of extension cord… so far. What damage it can do to a petunia-snacking bunny rabbit is yet to be known. BEWARE!

  • Gary.In.Danville Reply
    5 months ago

    No More Calls. We have our winner ….
    .
    “the ones for the homicidal lesbians are further down on the left…” I should have been ready for it but I let my guard down and you got me right between the eyes. One keyboard busted…. !

    • BobLee Reply
      5 months ago

      I wish I had taped our whole set. He and I were both firing on full automatic for at least ten minutes.

    • NCSU68Grad Reply
      5 months ago

      There is more truth than pun in that line. My wife was the “unofficial” supervisor of the clerical staff at a small to medium CPA office. The partners would do the hiring and sometimes the resume was overridden by the bodice of the applicants. They hired a really sharp (intellectually and physically) young lady. Was getting a divorce from her hubby and had moved to Raleigh for a fresh start. She had a 4 year education degree and wanted to change careers rather than start back with the WCPSS.
      .
      At the first Christmas Party, she showed up with her date. A very nice chatty female….she was dressed in a three piece suit with a turned up collar….and hair that reminded me of the Fonze. Obviously her fresh start meant changing the gender of her bed partner.
      .
      Around Easter of the next year, the receptionist moved out and was distraught. She was concerned that her ex partner would do something violent and discussed a restraining order. Seems like the female Fonze was an amateur shooter and possessed a few magnum revolvers and was adept in shooting them. My wife’s office was over a bank in NR and it got robbed on a regular basis. My wife said that she used to be concerned about a robbery going bad. BUT after hearing the issues with the receptionist’s Ex Friend and the fact that she was quite concerned that the Ex Partner might just come after her with six shooter’s blazing…..that put a WHOLE different slant on personal safety. My wife had already figured out to how to barricade herself in her office or how to get to the emergency exit while crawling on the floor below cubicle desk height.

      • BobLee Reply
        5 months ago

        I doubt all lesbians are homicidal. I don’t know enough of’em to make that claim. I guess the folks that stock that Lowe’s have some research to rely on ???

  • Porcophile Reply
    5 months ago

    Good news on all fronts, BobLee. Glad to hear it. Keep on keeping on.

    • BobLee Reply
      5 months ago

      Thanks …. Rarin’ to go ! Sooo many windmills and so much human foolishness to highlight.

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