… PDEW 1.0: burst upon the Internet in 2000. The good ol’ days of Y2K. How did THAT ever turn out by the way? The reader response to PDEW was FREAKIN’ AWESOME! In rating subsequent BLSays creations, we no longer include PDEW as a comparable. It has been forever retired “in a class by itself”. Which applies to PDEWs too.
… PDEW 2.0: a slightly modified and updated version followed in 2006. For aficionados of PDEW#1 it was a time to recall “where I was the first time I read PDEW”. For a tsunami of newbies, it was still FREAKIN’ AWESOME.
… VOILA… PDEW 3.0: … also slightly tweaked from both #1 and #2 but only for the better, we hope. Including a few new pics and sayings and … our cover girl – The Incomparable Miss Scarlett O’Hara. Tara Plantation was not “Down East” but it coulda been. I figure a few miles outside of Mount Olive.
UPDATE: I have made an “It;s My Website” decision to replace Scarlett O’Hara with Smithfield’s Own – Ava Gardner. Yes, Smithfield is technically NOT DE since it is west of I-95. Again … It’s MY WEBSITE!
Ladies and Gentlemen; Boys and Girls… Here’tis –
Pretty Down East Women – PDEW 3.0
June 2000: A note from a reader in LaGrange got us thinking about DownEast and a phenomenon long noted by aficionados of feminine pulchritude. ..A geographic area whose primary purpose is as a hurricane buffer for the more civilized Piedmont area of North Carolina;
DownEast has for generations birthed and nurtured some of the prettiest wimmen on God’s Earth. We’re not talking pretty “girls”. Every place has pretty “girls”.
First we define our area. I-95 is the Western boundary. It serves as a Great Asphalt Wall as well as a pipeline moving Yankees back/forth to Florida stopping only for a pecan log roll at one of several Stuckeys’.
Some may think the Atlantic Ocean is the Eastern boundary … not so. DownEast stops about 30 miles west of any brackish water. One then enters another region known simply as da beach … totally different set of demographics. The VA and SC borders further define DownEast at Checkpoint Emporia and Checkpoint Pedro (South of The Border).
DownEast is dozens of communities ranging from 5,000 to 50,000 with most in the well under 30,000 category. Communities like Wilson, Rocky Mount, Goldsboro, Kinston, “Little Washington”, New Bern, Greenville, Clinton, Smithfield, Jacksonville, Farmville, Ayden, Warsaw, etc etc.
What are my qualifications for discussing this phenomenon? BobLee grew up in the middle of it. I left it and can make relevant comparisons to Peachtree Street in Atlanta … Market Center in Dallas … The Plaza in Kansas City … Riverwalk in San Antonio … The Commons In Boston. …. I once dated a Kilgore Rangerette in Big D. I served as a judge for a pro sports jiggle team competition. Curve for curve, and winsome smile for smile…
Down East North Carolina Women take a backseat to No One No Where.
We are talking relatively high maintenance elbow ornaments sharing the last names of prominent attorneys, physicians, land barons, and multi-unit car/tractor dealers. Owning (or inheriting) 200+ acres of prime bottom land helps. A true PDEW is home grown. Imports can “take root” but it is rare.
In China they wrap girls’ feet to keep them dainty … DownEast they never let them beyond the Great Asphalt Wall of I-95. Young DE girls are told from birth horror stories of crime and traffic in Rawlee and beyond. There is no reason for a pretty DE girl to ever cross I-95 except, of course, for her debut at Rawlee’s Terpsichorean Ball. They blindfold’em for that and get’em back across I-95 before midnight.
There is a price that DownEast pays for their preponderance of very attractive women … they also have (uhh, how should we phrase it) not-so-pretty women. It’s an either/or. At some point in early adolescence a decision is made that certain young gals get all-u-can-eat passes for the Golden Corral Potato and Dessert Buffet. Others are assigned their own chaise lounges at the local country club pool. As they reach 14, 15, 16 the herd has been culled and branded … prancing thoroughbreds or pulling a plow.
Not all PDEW are matrimonally attached to rich guys. Go to either Rocky Mount or Tarboro for instance. Walk into any dentists’ office to ask directions to the nearest Bojangles. 4 out of 5 receptionists will be 25-35 y/o and swallow your chewing gum pretty. The other one will not be. You’ll know when you go.
One of the pretty receptionists is single but having an affair with the dentist who has a PDEW at home none the wiser, except she’s having her own affair with the assistant golf pro at the club. Somehow it all works out OK.
Go to any Member-Guest at a DownEast Country Club. Count on three absolutes.
(1) The band will be Embers Wannabes .. (2) They will play Proud Mary a minimum of eight times … (3) There will be AT LEAST 8 Michelle Pfeiffer, Morgan Fairchild look-alikes.
How do PDEW get that way? I have research on this. #1 is a lifetime of going to da beach almost every weekend … #2 is pouring salted peanuts in their Coca Colas … #3 is never finding out their value in the outside world. If a PDEW gets to Rawlee or Greensboro much less Charlotte or Atlanta she learns she can get all kinds of flattering attention with little more than lip gloss and an ankle bracelet.
DownEast attorneys, physicians, land barons, etc do not like their PDEW to learn much about the outside world. Copies of Southern Living are screened to exclude specific references to faraway places… like Atlanta.
Also, it’s genetic. If you find a baby bear in the woods, look out Her mom is nearby. If you see a PDEGirl (16-18) a/k/a “purty li’l gal”… count on a mid 40s PDEMom a/k/a “Hottie Mamma”at home … AND a still fine looking 65-70 PDEGrandma a/k/a “Grande Dame” not too far away too. They pass down the genes and the beauty secrets.
NOTE: Since we first posted this sixteen years ago; they’ve all bumped up a category.
If you ever find yourself in the presence of three generations of DownEast-grown Steel Magnolias (plus a plate of deviled eggs) … pinch yourself cause you might have died and gone to Heaven. Mad Mohammed can have his 70 virgins. Give me a DownEast Steel Magnolia of any generation … Jimmy Capps’ Our Best To You on the AM radio … and a cucumber sandwich. That defines Heaven to any man-boy lucky enough to know what I’m talking about.
The worst mistake a PDEW can make is not using an industrial strength sunscreen. Da Beach is wonderful for keeping a healthy glow and showing off the hard bod but if the skin starts looking and feeling like saddle leather the PDEW better start looking for a divorce lawyer. Every 50 y/o PDEW knows there are two 25 y/o PDEW chomping at the bit to get her locker at da club.
Any decent DownEast divorce lawyer knows that pay her club membership for life is standard text in the opening paragraph of any settlement. A PDEW without a local club membership is a desperate individual. Paunchy, bald and horny DownEast chiropractors cruise for this particular category of desperate damsel in distress.
PDEW who find themselves in a 40+ mid-life mess (i.e. incompetent divorce lawyer) usually move to Rawlee and study for their real estate license.
So long as a PDEW stays with SPF 30 and above and doesn’t supersize on Bojangles’ seasoned fries, she can be the Princess Di of Lenoir County or wherever. Of course, being a former Kilgore Rangerette isn’t a bad life either.
NOTE: The Incomparable CNR a/k/a “Coach” left two lengthy Reader Comments late Thursday on the Monkeys column. If you are a CNR disciple (and aren’t we all) you need to read’em. No Kennel, he doesn’t mention you this time.