Just One Word - "Danica"

Feb 25, ’13:  Oh come on man!  You knew today had to be about “Danica”.  She has attained one-word name icon status and it’s NOT going to be “D-Pat”.   I watched the last 50 laps of The Danica 500 but I did not watch a single second of The Oscars.  What does that say about me being a canary in a coalmine about the viewing preferences of America?  Damn little I suspect. .......

If I had any relevance to “the public’s interest” then guys named P Diddy and Jay-Z and Fifty Cent would not live in lavish “cribs” and need wheelbarrows to cart around their bling.  Yes, I do know it’s not Fifty Cents, but don’t ask me how I know that.

I betcha today P, Jay, and Fifty, like me, know who I refer to when I say “Danica”.

    Do P, Jay and Fifty also know that earlier this past weekend Ol’ Roy and his beleaguered Blue Boyz rose up and smote the hated PackPeople?  
    Does “Danica” know that somehow the eeeeevil Johnny Swofford has pulled off yet another of his insidious felonies upon the faithful followers of Moses Gottfried?  Are those followers still faithful to Moses Gottfried what with their faithfulness being notoriously compared to the gestation period of the may fly?  
    For sure “C.J.” aka “Calvin” has picked up another name for now – “No Show” Leslie.
    Is PhilipBridges’86 back on board BandwagonRoy?  Probably not.

Are you a Danica-hater "because ......" ?  If so, I bet you have a long list of people, places, things that you "hate".  Is there a correllation between Danica-hate - Manti Te'o-hate - and people who order Wax-Vacs from that TV infomercial?  Don't be a Danica-hater.

Did “Danica’s” Top Ten finish in The Danica 500 offset the predictable public outrage from “the Saturday wreck”?   Will the NFL Concussion lobby now become the NASCAR Fans Must All Wear Helmets Lobby?  

Will Messiah Barack speak from on high on whether “He” will permit NASCAR to continue..... or will he realize that if anyone is killed at a NASCAR event, the odds that it will be an Obamic voter are statistically zero.  Ergo what the heck..... let’em kill off each other.  I digress.

There was a time back in the late 90s that I was a regular at all the major NASCAR events.  I even know that the Hooters directly across from the main entrance to Daytona Internat Speedway may have THE finest team of Hooter-ettes in America.  Certainly it does during Race Week.  Being chosen to be a Hooters Girl at the Daytona restaurant during Race Week is like being chosen for The Pro Bowl for a Hooters Girl.  “Plain Jane from Kalamazoo” need not apply.  The incredible stuff you learn here !!!!

I attended over 30 races during a six year period thru a business connection with a NASCAR mogul.  I had full VIP credentials including up-close parking and suite access.  I rubbed elbows with guys named France, Bruton and “Humpy”.  I was at the Start/Finish line with Rusty, Dale (Sr & Jr), Jeff, Tony, Mark et al and I was in Victory Lane for “the hat dance”.   

The NASCAR “hat dance” is truly one of the most bizarre rituals in sport.  It dwarfs “the green jacket ceremony” for pure extreme weirdness.

My two Most Memorable NASCAR Moments will always be (1) AJ Foyt punching out Arie Luyendyk in Victory Lane in Texas and (2) Emmett Smith turning to me during a pre-race ceremony at Bristol to remark “there ain’t too many bruthas here, are there?”  To which I replied “Nope”.

Such magical moments notwithstanding, one day NASCAR became “my mama’s girdle”.   Mama would say there came a moment every day when her girdle just became so uncomfortable that she just had to take it off.   It was not a gradual thing but a sudden “right now” moment.   That came for me in Smith Tower at Charlotte Motor Speedway during the Fall race in 98 or 99.

Even with all the VIP privileges, attending a NASCAR race is a sensory draining exercise.   It is LOUD, crowded, a long day, a hectic hassle and did I mention LOUD.  Allowing there were some very special “are you kidding me” moments, there is a lot of “how much longer and boy this is LOUD” hours involved.

Kid’s favorite “My Dad and NASCAR” story took place at Texas Motor Speedway.  I’m standing with Bruton Smith and Jerry Jones (yes, THAT Jerry Jones) on the infield for a pre-race ceremony.   This couple walks up....

 “Mr Smith, I’m Bart Connor The Gymnast.  This is my wife Nadia Comanechi.”    

Bruton looks at Jerry.  Jerry looks at Bruton.  Bruton and Jerry both look at me with WTF expressions.   Bart realized he had struck out.  Nadia was the most clueless Romanian Olympian I had ever met up to that point.  Apparently I was the only one who knew everyone within our 10’ universe.  When I tell this story in person I do everyone’s facial expressions and hand gestures.

A few months later I was around Bruton when Goldberg The Wrestler and Colin Powell were introduced to him.   The exact same facial expression and hand gestures.   I became good friends with Bill “Goldberg” and we always reenacted that moment.   For the record, Colin Powell had no clue who any one was either.   NASCAR attracts very very strange bedfellows.

So my six years deeply immersed  in-NASCAR country were not without their “take to my grave” moments but one day I just could not eat one more Pringle.   Did I mention how LOUD it is.

It must be fun to be around now during Danica-mania.   I betcha Bruton knows who Danica is although, as I recall, he preferred at least 36 D cups.   “Danica” is real pretty when she is all guzzied up but not well..... you know..... well-endowed mammarially.

If you’ve never been to “a NASCAR race” it should be on your bucket list.   It is a sensory overload unlike any other sports event.  You may not need 30+ such experiences but at least one.   The start of a NASCAR race is EXTREME goosebump city.

Oh..... I once cajoled a hard-core Chapel Hill super Lib to go with me to a Dale Jr meet & greet.  Picture a school gym in Kannapolis filled with NASCAR fans and one lone Chapel Hill redneck-hatin’ MENSA nerd.  Bwahahahahaha.   I meant to ask him if he knew Nadia Comanechi.

Yo "Kennel".... If I was still going to NASCAR events you would be my first invite.  OK, either you or Jim Heavner.  No.... wait - Bob Kennel AND Jim Heavner TOGETHER w/ BobLee at a NASCAR Race would be OUTTASIGHT.  A Mega Yeeeee Haaa moment!