Cure For What Ails You ….

    BobLee
    January16/ 2000

    …… Is Life’s plum foolishness whackin’ you across the bridge of the nose every time you turn around?  Are you dizzy from all the “dumb” that piles up on your doorstep every morning?  Have you come to the conclusion that the most intelligent life form on the planet are dust bunnies? ….. Congratulations, you have “figured it out”.  Step up to the bar for a handful of Dr. BobLee’s Chill Pills …..

    The best solution for “AAAAiiieeee, I can’t take this BS any more” is to go rent either / both of these two movies.

    1.    Raising Arizona
    2.    O’ Brother Where Art Thou

    Either, or ideally both, will convince you that reality was always a myth any way.  Even if it existed, would you really want to meet it in a dark alley?

    Really ….. I’m serious.  Watch those movies.  Best advice I’ve EVER given you.

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    NOTE:  I cut “the Kennedy Thing” plenty of slack last week.  I recall how disgusting the local media was to Helms’ memory during his memorial week.  I wanted to be “better than that”.  I was (relatively speaking by comparison).  Now its over and the rubber tips come off the arrows ……

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    97% of the tearful mourners in that cathedral for Saint Ted thought God’s last name was “DamnIt”.   Who hasn’t heard “why go to church ….. half the folks there are nothing but hypocrites.”  Yeeee Haaa ….. when the hard-core Liberal Elite gathers to mourn, that hypocrite % goes thru the cathedral ceiling.  Other than Dubyah and Ms Laura, every faux-intellectual snoot in that building thought it was Johnny Depp lying in the manger wrapped in swaddling clothes.

    Barney Frank couldn’t figure whether he should sit on the bride’s side or the groom’s side so he just sat on his thumb and spun around in circles.

    John & Lizzie (aka The Edwards) were there, sans Rielle & Baby “It”.  It was a smidge tacky for Lizzie to place $10 Off coupons for her furniture store in each pew.  “Good taste” is not really a factor with Chapel Hill/ Carrboro’s Most Dysfunctional Family.  Not any more.

    Bozo Joe Biden doing his eulogy and referring to Teddy as “Tommy”, was, I thought, the highlight of the weekend.  “Peanut Jimma” Carter entering the church wearing a Hoss Cartwright hat and riding a unicycle was pretty strong too.   Liberals trying to be “churchy” is like a Maine lobster house selling pork barbecue ….. They have no clue what they’re doing and everybody knows it.  Bill Clinton playing Sudoku on his I-phone during the Doxology woulda been out-of-place for anyone but Slick Willie.  He’s “special”.

    POTUS BHO’s NOT making’em cover up the crucifix with bedsheets was a smart move.  Likewise not having Jeremiah Wright offer communion.  Michelle showing up wearing culottes and flip flops raised a few eyebrows but nobody said anything since ‘chelle IS “America’s #1 fashion diva”.

    All that Catholicism.  “The Pope” (not Art) sending an e-sympathy card was a nice touch.  Vicki clicked on it and ten little cardinals danced the hokey pokey.  It wasn’t ‘til right near the end of the whole Teddy Mourning Marathon that they found a card in his wallet signifying Teddy had converted to Islam when he found out about the 70 virgins thingy.  By then it was too late to move everyone over to the mosque. “Hail Mohammed Full of Grace ….”

    The $1,000,000 reward for anyone who could spell both Chappaquiddick AND Kopechne correctly went unclaimed.  Every right-wing nut with a modem gave it a shot however for five days in a row. ….. USA Network chose this weekend to run a Bondathon.  THAT was shrewd marketing.  It gave us Repubs something to watch other than the NASCAR race.

    As bazillions of tearful mourners went back to wherever tearful mourners go when there aren’t funeral motorcades to wave at – a solitary figure stood reverently at Arlington National Cemetary.  Chevy Chase’s crazy cuzzin Eddie mumbling:

       “Teddy Kennedy …. Princess Di …. Michael Jackson ….. AND General Francisco Franco are ALL still dead.”

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    Who could follow a Teddy Funeral story other than Shania Twain.  I mean REALLY!  I leave you today with two stories ripped UNEDITED from today’s headlines.  Some stories need no editorial garnishment.

    Shania Twain ‘very much alive and well’ 

    Shania Twain, 44, sounds chatty and upbeat in a new note to fans on her website, as she opens up for the first time since her marriage to Mutt Lange ended more than a year ago. The split came when he took up with her longtime best friend, Marie-Anne Thiebaud, who also managed the couple’s chateau in Switzerland.

    “I’m ‘okay’ – yes, I hit a very big bump in the road, but Eja (her son, who’s 8) and I are doing well. … ” Shania says and has posted a video of her recent travels, starting with sky diving in Key West. “I feel very much alive and well. … Living, loving, laughing and dreaming have become highest on my list of priorities. … I consider myself on a journey of discovery and recovery,” she says. “I don’t accept to be held down by the past, nor do I expect too much of the future.”

    With her on that journey right now is Thiebaud’s ex-husband, Frederic “Fred” Thiebaud, whom Twain calls  “a dear friend and true gentleman.”

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    Police: Pit bull chewed off baby’s toes
    JACKSONVILLE – Sheriff’s deputies are charging a North Carolina couple with felony child abuse after a pit bull dog chewed the toes off a 4-month old baby’s foot.

    The Onslow County Sheriff’s Office said Monday that the 1-year-old pit bull chewed off all the toes on the child’s left foot while he was on a couch Sunday night.  Deputies say the child’s mother, Robie Lynn Jenkins, and her boyfriend, Tremayne Spillman, were dog-sitting for a man arrested Saturday night for illegal possession of a gun.

    Jenkins told police she was on medication and didn’t hear the child crying during the night while she slept in the same room. She said she didn’t discover the injury until she changed the child’s diaper Monday morning.   Deputies said that hospital officials said the child may lose his foot.

    (NOTE:  This story falls under the N&O’s infamous “do-rag rule”.  No direct mention is made per se of the ethnicity of anyone involved ….. except for the dog, who is a “pit bull”.)

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    NOW you see why I say “Run, don’t walk to get those two movies RIGHT NOW!”

    Badip badip badip ….. That’s all folks !!!

     

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    Your Funeral ???  Which way do YOU want to “go”?

    1.    Like Jacko ….. a gala at The Staples Center but with your nose in a jar somewhere
    2.    Like Teddy …… a solid week of faux pious crap
    3.    Like Kirk Douglas in The Vikings ….. a flaming dragonship in a fijord
    4.    Like Gus McRae ….. a one-legged corpse hauled across Hell and Texas by your best friend, Woodrow Call, to be buried in a pecan grove by a meandering river.

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       Erskine Bowles continues to be Bravehearted in the public square.  Monday he announced “900 UNC System administrators” will be axed.  Thankfully none play Offensive Line for Butch.  Those we need.  An Administrator can save his/her job if they can stand on one foot holding a lighted match and explain what the heck they do.

    Do you usually receive e-mail notice of new columns … but haven’t lately?  Then you’re getting BOUNCED by your spam filter.  Contact us to resolve the problem. 

    BobLee

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