Remedy For A Holiday Jackass

    BobLee
    January16/ 2000

    Rivalry week in The Triangle with a subdued pre-game bloodlust …..  Is The Holiday Jackass coming to your Thanksgiving?  …..  Baby Bomar arrives ….. Is there more ButchDrama waiting for TarHeelNation? ….. Roy Two Rings got skunked by Boeheim.  Is Roy over-the-hill? ….. Madame O plans to Go. …… READ ON.

    OK, its Carolina v State Week so lets get our traditional nitwit fable out of the way (abridged form) …… sweet innocent Carolina family, all excited about The Big Game, is walking down Trinity Road and is viciously attacked by a roving band of red-clad thugs wearing orange sunglasses and red Chuckie shoes. ….. this horrible, totally uncalled for, hooliganism will be witnessed by the same two anonymous witnesses who saw Coach K throw that temper tantrum last week. …. blah blah blah .…. moving right along.

    With WuffNation in an unexplained season long funk this annual encounter has weird overtones.  Can TO’B rally his weary warriors for one monumental effort thereby making their season and casting a nasty gloom over TeamButch’s “drive for nine”.   I think conventional wisdom will prevail and ThePaleRider will enjoy his first taste of Wolf meat. …… if that is NOT the case, rely upon CaroLoonies to contrive a lengthy list of reasons why a third consecutive L to NCState “doesn’t really matter”.  All of which are totally bogus ….. IT MATTERS!

    Quite separate from the emotions of the annual Triangle Rivalry between the Frat Boys v Farm Boys is the news about NCSU Off Coor Dana Bible.  The veteran member of TO’B’s staff has been diagnosed with a form of leukemia.

    Sports is, at best, a frivolous diversion from life’s often tragic realities.  Leukemia is a tragic reality.  Fight on Coach Bible.

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    The Holiday Jackass ….. I no longer have this problem and have not for some years but many of you report cases every season. …… that member of your extended family who has to be invited to Thanksgiving despite being universally loathed by the entire family  –  The Holiday Jackass (HJ).

    It can be an actual blood relative but usually it’s a ne’er do well idiot dating or married to a blood relative.   They have a bad haircut, bitten to the quick fingernails, psoriasis, body odor and extreme, to the point of violent, political opinions.  Despite never succeeding at anything, they have supreme confidence in their intellectual mastery of (1) macro-economics, (2) complex military strategy AND (3) the existence of a separation of church & state clause in the US Constitution.  (There isn’t one, of course)

    Despite a fervent advance pleading from kindly Aunt Emma to PLEASE DON’T bring up “politics” this year; the Holiday Jackass HAS TO in accord with The Holiday Jackass Code of Obnoxious Behavior.  Since Aunt Emma has already made the advance plea, you don’t have to even suggest “let’s discuss something else”.   When the Holiday Jackass (HJ) starts in, here’s what you do.

    (1)    As he/she/it is getting revved up, go find that long-handled carving fork used to hold the turkey while slicing.
    (2)     If the HJ is sitting ….. stab him/her/it in the back of the hand penetrating completely thru the palm into the table.  ….. If the HJ is standing, go for the left pectoralis muscle (just below the shoulder) driving the fork in to the depth of the tynes. (about 4”).   In either case, leave the fork imbedded in the HJ.  Step back and calmly announce “What part of Aunt Emma’s ‘Please Don’t’ did you not understand?
    (3)     Yes, there will be significant screaming and a “have you completely lost your mind?” or two aimed at you.  Don’t let this initial reaction bother you.  Within 15-20 seconds everyone other than the hysterically bleeding HJ will realize you just became the Alltime Family Hero ….. the Stuff of Legends.
    (4)     You calmly step away from the now going into shock HJ and simply say “Nothing like a good jackass stabbing to build an appetite ….. lets eat.”

    I know this sounds a tad extreme but remember the previous family gatherings that this Jackass has ruined with his/her/its arrogant bloviations….. and that you are indeed A Family Hero.

    Can you substitute any other implement for a long-handled carving fork.?  Certainly, but a little advance planning will assure the fork is nearby when the time comes.

    If you catch any crap for executing the above plan, just tell’em “BobLee said it was necessary.”  I’ve already discussed it with Aunt Emma.

    PLAN B = simply print out this column and hand to the HJ …… but keep the carving fork handy.

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    Goal Line Bomar Is A Daddy! …… one of our favorite young men David “Goal Line” Bomar and his lovely bride Brooke McCauley Bomar are the proud parents of Jack McCauley Bomar born last Friday.   Baby Jack, his parents and both sets of proud Tar Heel grandparents are all doing well.

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    Madame O(prah) is announcing her 18 month Farewell Tour.  Unconfirmed rumor that for her final show she will resurrect Jacko and they will moonwalk together off the stage.   Oprah’s popularity remains one of the great mysteries of modern culture.

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    A terrific Mentalist last week as the serial killer Red John popped up once again to torment Jane and the team.

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    WWBDD ….. What, if anything, will Paul Hilton Davis Jr “do” this December?  Will he and Jimma The Agent try another power play on The Dickster to extort another mill or so?   If so, will Holden allow The Dickster to grab his ankles (and checkbook)?  If ThePaleRider does get another wheelbarrow full of UNC $$$$ does Ol’ Roy Two Rings get one too?  Will The Dickster give Butcher a long-term contract like the ones biting all those other programs in the butt right now?

    Butch has indeed done a fine job this season.  So have many UNC employees who have LOST their jobs.  BE A TEAM PLAYER BUTCH!

    For the time being, assume that any Internet reports you see linking Butch to XYZ job opening are verified by those same two anonymous witnesses (wink wink) who saw Coach K throw that bogus tantrum.   If there is any rumor with a shred of credibility I am certain I will learn about it and will alert you.

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       97.3% of people who feel they MUST, without being asked, tell you what THEY THINK about Sarah Palin should be fed feet-first into a wood chipper.   That would require A LOT of wood chippers. ……

    88% of people who ask you what YOU THINK about Sarah Palin don’t really care what you think but are looking for an opportunity to tell you what THEY THINK about Sarah Palin.  They think by asking your opinion first (despite not really caring about your opinion) that they will avoid the wood chipper.   Those people get dipped in feral fecal matter prior to being fed feet-first.

    94% of people obsessed with expressing their opinions about Sarah Palin are insanely negative about her.  Those of us who admire her for any of a host of reasons really don’t require, or seek, affirmation of our opinions.

    I admire anyone who can gin up that much bile boiling rage in Liberals.  I am very envious of that gift.

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        Anyone who did not know that Roy Two Rings would likely lose as many as 3-4 games before Christmas, please just go away.  Anyone suggesting “Roy has lost his intensity.  Dickie should call George Karl or Rick Majerus right now” should be treated as a Holiday Jackass and executed without a Federal Trial in New York.

    This year’s UNC BBers are young, skinny and without a cold-bloodied assassin.   As they get older, stronger and find a cold-bloodied assassin they will be much better.

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        Why should serious miscreants ALWAYS
    be shoved into a wood chipper FEET FIRST?   
     

       It looks like we SOLVED THE HARD BOUNCE ISSUE.  Welcome back to all those lost in cyber space!  It was an issue with RoadRunner customers.  RoadRunner had declared BLSays as “spam”.  Our techs hacked their system and “fixed it”.
    BobLee

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