…… Get me Lou Gehrig’s sound system. I, BobLee, “am the the luck luck iest man man on the the face of the earth earth ”. Reverberations aside, my Christmas came early thanks to Tiger and Roy. Imaging writing “people do dumb stuff” columns and have these two Naughty Nike Guys fall in your lap. I mean REALLY. ….. and like an artichoke, the more you peel this stuff the foolishier it all gets.
So, here’s “the deal”. Ya know what a golf nut Roy2Rings is, right? He can get on Augusta or Pine Valley or even Old Chatham with a simple “I wanna”. He’s Freakin’ Roy2Rings by golly! By his own admission, those $2,000,000+ have him stocked in Titeliests for life. So surely he knows fellow Nike guy Windemere’s Wayward Icon. One name sports icons are tight ….. the “ol’ “ in Ol’ Roy doesn’t count as a word.
No sooner had Tiger’s Escalade hit that hydrant than Phil Knight suggested Tiger’s “people” contact Roy’s “people” (Ted Seagroves ?) to concoct a “divert attention strategy”. At that point Tiger’s people thought the world’s greatest Bimbo eruption was just 2 or 3. Now that we’re up to 14 with no end in sight, alternate “diversions” may be needed.
NOTE: There is NO TRUTH to the rumor that those keyhole nude pics of Erin Andrews reveal a red shirt and a pair of soft-spikes beside the sideline sweetheart’s bed at The Nashville Marriot. No truth whatsoever.
So “the deal” was that Roy would simply pull another “why’d ya do THAT Roy?” and ESPN would immediately lead a global media parade to replace Tiger’s kinda yucky stuff with “goofy Ol’ Roy does something goofy ….. AGAIN”. It was no coincidence that “they” picked the Presbyterian game rather than some real opponent.
As rabid bat looney as Roy CAN BE, even 2Rings knew how to really handle a very harmless heckler. ….. (1) Roy detects an enemy fan near “HIS bench in HIS building” ….. (2) Roy whispers to Jarod or CB – “there’s an enemy fan within 50’ wearing a gravy-stained wife-beater t-shirt and a Carmen Miranda fruit hat …. He bothers me. Make him go away” ….. (3) Jarod / CB then turn to one of the 37 managers behind the bench repeating Roy’s instructions …… (4) one of the 37 managers scoots into the tunnel where he/she tells an officer of the Dean Dome Elite Security Force what Roy wants …… (5) a five-member Special Ops team wearing Alex Julian designed Special Ops unis descend upon the designated malefactor under the guise of “you have won a Bojangles Snak Pak ….. please come with us to collect your prize.” ….. (6) the gravy-stained faux malefactor is never seen again. THAT’s how ya do it.
The whole thing takes three minutes from Roy’s first whisper to an aide to the faux malefactor being fed into a special Carolina Blue wood chipper kept next to Bill Guthridge’s popcorn machine. THIS way it would not become THE BIGGEST NEWS STORY SINCE GERALD HENDERSON ATTACKED TYLER WITH HIS SLEDGEHAMMER ELBOW.
So Roy, feeling empathy for Tiger’s plight, agrees to “pull a Roy” so long as it’s a non-conference game. But what does Roy get in return?
Easy. What are Roy’s two most famous shortcomings?
(1) Roy NEVER calls a TO to stop an opponents’ scoring run. A 25 point first half deficit is peanuts compared to the value of a Time-Out.
(2) Roy NEVER apologizes to Anybody about Anything Any Time. Apparently it’s some sort of “Smoky Mountain Macho Code” Thing. Who knew!
Sooooo in exchange for Roy doing something so gosh darned unnecessarily foolish, Tiger agrees to have his crackerjack spin-meisters teach Roy how to say “I regret my transgressions”. “Transgressions” is a bit much for ORW’s Homespun Hillbilly Thesaurus. “Youngstas” being his previous “long word”.
No $$$$ are exchanged and the two Nike icons come to each other’s aid. Cool story …… and now you know.
NOTE: Since the original deal, three more bimbos (including a 48 y/o cougar/fitness nut) and a renegade Canadian steroid doctor have surfaced prompting Tiger’s people to put in another call to Roy. Now they want Roy …..
….. to walk out onto the court in Jerry Jones Stadium for the big Texas game wearing “a gravy-stained wife-beater t-shirt and a Carmen Miranda fruit hat”. Ted Seagroves is trying to find the hat.
Other Unfounded Rumors
(For Prince Albert:)
Brian King is the heckler in “Roy & The Heckler”
- Kirschy had a second press release accusing Brian King of (1) voting for Geo Bush twice …. (2) once saying ” something COULD BE FINER than to be in Carolina ….“
- Adam Lucas “egged” the Chapel Hill Presbyterian Church for harbouring a fugitive.
- Woody Durham wants the Dean Dome Security Force fired for NOT using pepper spray AND waterboarding on Brian King
- Bojangles has offered a $10,000 reward for “the head of Brian King on a stick”.
- The Smith Center has indeed been deeded over to Roy and truly IS “HIS Building”. Harrison Barnes is listed a co-owner along with Charlie McNairy.
- Kindly Ol’ Bill Friday was told about Roy’s latest and “just sighed” ….
- The UNC Takes Itself Waaay Too Seriously Society has cancelled its weekly meeting at He’s Not Here “until further notice”.
- The UNC J-school has cut all ties with ESPN and Sports Illustrated for daring to make fun of Roy and indirectly of UNC. Why did you think Peter Gammons quit ESPN this week? Duh!
NOT ALL of the above are true.
Speaking of GREAT Christmas presents ….. I am receiving the IDEAL one from Missus. I need to set this one up …..
I have been diagnosed with ANAS ….. Acute Non-Accumulate Syndrome. I have TOO MUCH STUFF. Decades of pack-ratting and the inability to determine one official BobLee Style has left me with more closet-bustin’ crap than I can deal with. The thought of “getting more stuff” causes me a bulimic reaction (I stick my finger into my closet and four leisure suits and a bunch of tie-dyed t-shirts vomit out.)
But we came up with THE PERFECT GIFT for a ANAS afflictee. I’m getting my truck painted!
Think about it. My nine year old, 161,000 mile, lovably loyal F-150 SuperCrew gets a new look. It’s old bland “harvest gold” exterior becomes a kick-butt High Gloss Black. I’m getting MAACO’s Imperial Presidential VIP Platinum Big Ram Iron Duke Sooper Dooper WOW paint job. ….. which apparently means instead of three illegal aliens using brushes and rollers I get five illegal aliens using those sprayer thingys.
We’re headed to “da beach” (more on that later) and when we get back my much beloved F-150 will look better than brand-new …… and all I “accumulate” is the paint on the truck. Neat, huh?
Kid gets home Thursday after yet another semester of Dean’s Listing the bejebbers out of the MU J-School. One more semester and she officially joins the ranks of the nation’s over-educated unemployed.
So, after this column, NOW you know …… why I have a concealed carry permit.