Canaries In The Sports Coal Mine

    BobLee
    January21/ 2000

    . Some are calling this week “American Sports’ 9/11”.   Each of the three “major sports” is in serious Crisis Mode with off-field scandals.  BobLee revisits his initial observations on the current “breaking news” …. Gives Craig Biggio a big shout-out …. and oh me, oh my OOH RALEIGH WATER NAZIS NAB TAR HEEL LEGEND TOO!

    The Astros’ Craig Biggio will retire after this season (his 21st) with 3,000+ hits (especially doubles) …. A whole bunch of admirers …. And not nary a single smidgen of scandal.  AND …. He spent his entire career w/ the “stros”.  Holy George Brett and Robin Yount and Cal Ripken, Batman.  One fine career with one team.   And just one wife …. And all their kids are “their kids”.  Didn’t this guy ever read the modern athlete handbook for rotten role models?  A big BobLee HUZZA to Craig Biggio – “A Moochie” Headed to Cooperstown..  I am instructing “Coach Reed” to go by Minute Maid and salute Craig for me.

     WHAT IN THE WORLD HAS HAPPENED IN AMERICAN SPORTS ???? Why, just two weeks ago those little canaries were just a tweeting away happy as, well, happy as canaries.  Now the air in the three sports coal mines has gone rancid and the little canaries are flat on their birdy backs gasping for air (cough, cough).  Oh me, oh my!  Say it ain’t so Shoeless Bud, Shoeless Roger and Shoeless David. We never had these problems til David Beckham & Posh came over.  Damn that Posh.

    My favorite “current major sports scandal” is The NBA & “Just One” Crooked Ref.  Now “Michael Hurt DOGS” is a close second but Commissioner Stern won the day earlier this week.

    Lets go back ten days.  Ask David “I do look like Dickie” Stern how many crooked refs “in cahoots with the mob” that he employed.  David woulda said “NOT A ONE …. harumph”.  This week he said …. “Ok, one.  But just one…. harumph”  A month or so from now he might well say “Ok, maybe 2 or 3 …. But that’s all…. HARUMPH.”  In other words David Stern has no freakin idea how many NBA employees are dirtier than Charlie Brown’s pal PigPen but not nearly as luvable.

    He shoulda known that “his league” has more thugs, social degenerates and all-around bad boyz per capita than The World Series Of 3-card Monte.  Like an ocean liner in a trans-Atlantic crossing, the Not-So-Good Ship NBA leaves an oilslick of illegitimate kids, battered groupies, gangstas, bling boyz, and just plain no-account sumbitches.

    Take away the handful of “poster boys” like Tim Duncan, Grant Hill, Steve Nash, and surely 1-2 others and the “would invite into your home” factor gets really small really quick.  But Commish Dave is gosh darn sure he only had ONE crooked ref.  ….. and Jeffrey Dahmer mighta only eaten one Filipino kid and he was kinda small.

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       Meanwhile the good old American sporting public makes yours truly look REALLY REALLY SMART!  What did I tell youans about Michael Vick?  The average goggle-eyed spittle-spewing fantasy league obsessed message board loonie did not give a rat’s patoot how many skanks MV (aka “Ron Mexico”) infected with STDs or how many “birds” he shot Falcon fans or how many really scary thugs he kept in his posses in Atlanta and homeboys back in Tidewater.  Apparently the African-American professional athlete comes into “the league” with X number of “that’s just how they are” markers in their baggy britches.  Are they given them on draft day or “at the combine”?

    The list of “if you can avoid it, we would appreciate it if you don’t _____” only has two items.   (1) When you pay someone to kill your pregnant girlfriend, don’t leave a clear trail back to you.  Ask Jerry Richardson about that one.  And now (2) “don’t get involved in dog fighting”.  MV says he didn’t see that second one.

    If “cul-de-sac America” is mortified to learn about “dog fighting” one can only imagine their reaction if they attended a post-game parteee at MV’s crib in Hotlanta.  Recall the scene in Animal House when the Deltas and their dates visit Otis Day’s roadhouse.  “Can we dance wif yo dates?”  Methinks “Buffy and Chip” in May-retta would be somewhat flabbergasted …. Ya think.

    I’m learning that “dog fighting” is to the boyz in the hood like “a Saturday Nassau” is to the boyz in the burbs …. and like marrying your cuzzin is to the boyz deep in Deliverance Country.  Cultural anthropologists should be lining up to defend MV on the basis of “it’s considered OK where he come’s from”. ….. I can’t wait until the next boatload of Viet Namese hit Ellis Island and start barbecuing Rover and Spot under the umbrella of “where we come from dogs are called dinner”.  “Hello operator, give me the number of the ACLU please.” 

    Deathmatch 2007 …. ACLU vs PETA …. Yee Haa!

    We don’t care how many illegitimate babies they leave all over the country.  We don’t care how many bruthas they gangbang in Buckhead.  We don’t care how many bitches they beat up.  We don’t care how much drugs they are forever getting caught with.  All of that and more is forgiven under the Kunta Kente Rule …. BUT  by GAWD don’t be messin’ with Lassie and Rin Tin Tin or we gonna get mad.

    How was Mike to know that Arthur Blank is on the board of the Atlanta Kennel Club?  Tough break there Mike.

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       Meanwhile at a Milwaukee travel agency, Ethel Mae Gooch is working on Bud Selig’s travel itinerary to get Bud to wherever Barry might be over the next week or so.  It won’t matter a whole lot whether he’s there or not.  Bud looks too much like Jimbo The Weasel and nobody likes Barry because he is pretty darn unlikable.  Yikes …. Imagine if Barry Bonds was involved in dog fighting  …. To hell w/ “due process” GET A ROPE.

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     BLS Housecleaning Chores …..

    Raleigh Water Nazis Nab Tar Heel Legend ….. yep …. “Mr Four Corners” hisownself has been nabbed – Phil Ford.  Phil now lives at Brier Creek …. Raleigh’s House Farm Of The Rich & Famous Ex-Point Guards.  Like the other notorious malfeasant, Sidney “Odd Day” Lowe, the Pride of Rocky Mount was caught wet-handed with his sprinkler asprinkling on the wrong day. ….. gotta hand it to the truth-seeking journo-butchers at the N&O …. Why stop at just one ridiculous “non-news story” when you can publish two of’em.  ….. The Carrboro Friends of Water are petitioning to have Phil’s jersey removed from the rafters.   Phil volunteering to go into Water User Rehab did not satisfy the Carrboro aqua activists.  We will be following this developing story.

    Ever vigilant conspiracy loons at InsideCarolina are sure that the N&O’s sprinkler reporter Todd Silberman is a graduate of the highly-ranked, albeit non-existent, NC State Journalism School.

    “Sportin’ Life” takes the prize ….. We told you it would be a race to see which God-hatin’ race baitin’ Repub hatin’ funny hat wearin’ N&O flame-thrower would do the first “Coy & All Christian Republicans are Hypocrites but I am Not a Race-baitin’ Hack Columnist”.  Well, Barry “Sportin’ Life” Saunders claimed the prize Tuesday morning.  Not much of a surprise with that one.  (I assume the N&O’s designated “read that damn BobLee’s crap” staffer will get a copy of this to Barry.)

    More on the Webees …. We heard from several “WeBee” related readers.  We never said ALL WeBees are bad WeBees.  In fact we never really said WeBees are bad …. But they ARE WeBees.  I am categorically opposed to any institution that does not operate under “employment at will”.  Such workplaces tend to attract the “what’s the very least I gotta do to get paid to be here forever?’ type.   That attitude did not storm Omaha Beach or go with Lewis & Clark and the Corps of Discovery.

    To every government-employed WeBee that is willing to go on an “employed at will” status today, I salute you.  To the rest of you ….. you’re “good enough for government work”.

    Of course Dubyah will be forever blamed for Katrina.  Dub shoulda done “an Apple Cheeks” and leaned on a long-handled posing shovel in the ninth ward while the eye of Katrina was hoverin’ over the Superdome.  Wearing a flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up 2.5 turns woulda made him an OFFICIAL “sensitive, diversifyin’ kinda guy”  ….  Right?  He didn’t …. And then he said “good job, Brownie” (uh oh!) and then “the FEMA WeBees” took over and REALLY screwed the pooch for the next millenium (oops, insensitive dog reference).  WeBees will gum up any governmental administration.  They always have …. always will …. it’s why God created WeBees.

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     Who will Craig Biggio be forever mentioned with?

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       Jim & Tammy Faye’s Shangri-La near CaroWinds was Heritage USA.  It sits vacant and unused.  No truth to rumor it may be “the new Gitmo”.  Jimbo The Weasel says he would be willing to go there IF he gets to have funnel cakes for breakfast. ….. Judge Roy Bean Boyle says Jimbo to take Perp Walk this Friday.  Expect Jimbo’s lawyers to propose something INCREDIBLY STOOPID before Friday.  We hear it might involve Lindsay Lohan (aka “LiLo”) and a hot tub fulla hushpuppies.

    BobLee

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