Vick & Beck & El Sidney

    BobLee
    January21/ 2000

    ….. Ahhhh, sports icons !!!  We peanut gallerites do luv’em don’t we?  Today we comment upon “The Soccer Saviour” …. The Latest Tidewater Bad Boy …. And El Sidney Lowe’s latest Horrible Crime (ya ain’t gonna believe this one)   The N&O serves us another belt-high hypocrite fastball….. WHACK!

    You think you know all about “Beck & Posh save American Soccer” ….. You already know you despise Michael Vick “because” …. But What’s This About El Sid ????  Come on BobLee what gives on this ???   Hold your fighting pit bull.  I’ll get to that rascal Sidney Lowe in a minute.  First we gotta SAVE SOCCER IN AMERICA.

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        Another Soccer Messiah ….. Whoop-de-freakin-do …. Another Soccer Messiah has arrived.  First there was Kyle Rote Jr, then Pele, then Franz Beckenbauer, then Johann Cruyff, then Mia, then Brandy “Sports Bra” Chastain, then Freddie Abu …. Now it’s David Beckham of “Beck & Posh” fame. The LA Galaxy is paying “Beck” $30,000,000 to generate spectator interest in soccer in the continental “48”.   For another $10 you think maybe he can find an alternative for fossil fuels … and nuke Carrboro.

    America needs “a Soccer Messiah” like China needs an eastern NC Barbecue restaurant at the Food Court in The Forbidden City.

    BobLee’s Rule on Globalization:  Not everything has to be everywhere.

    Yes, Beck’s first trip around “the league” (quick, name “the league” …. Time’s up) will draw adoring crowds of horny soccer moms and probably some salivating gay guys and some confused metro-sexuals …. On Beck’s second trip around the league it will be back to the usual WNBA-size crowd of hard-core soccer junkies.  Here’s why ….

    David Beckham is The Greg Maddox of Soccer.  Maddox was/kinda still is a pitching coach’s dream.  He is “a pitcher’s pitcher” with pinpoint control and the ability to outthink the hitters.  Greg never had the overpowering fastball or Blyleven curveball.  Flame throwers sell tickets …. Greg Maddox wins games.

    Beckham does not have the cannon shot or aerial gymnastics that ooh and aah neophyte fans.  Beckham, as a player, has a sure foot and an uncanny ability to anticipate the ball.  Booooring to neophytes, loved by coaches and teammates.

    What David Beckham DOES have is “he is sexy”.  Sexy in a “put a dollar in his speedo” sexy.  Women will leer at Beckham like guys leer at NFL cheerleaders.  That dog chasing a car leer.  That’s fine and here’s how the Galaxy should showcase him.

    Let a bunch of whozits kick the ball around on the field but put Beckham in a pair of tight leather jeans, scruffy dingo boots and NO SHIRT.  Spritz him w/ fake sweat and just have him saunter thru the stands.  Up one aisle and down the other …. All game long.  Put Posh in a pair of Daisy Dukes, stilletos and a French tee shirt.  Have her work one side while hubby works the other.  Fans will get what they REALLY came for and will be so distracted by the sex tease show they won’t get bored by the 2-1 snoozer by the Galaxy vs the NoNames.

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        You know that Sidney Lowe’s son got into trouble.  You know that Sidney Lowe’s top assistant had a fracas with a Raleigh cop.  Carolina loonies know that Sidney Lowe coaches at State which is a sin as well as a crime (or “it oughta be” in their beady eyes) but now the true depths of Sidney Lowe’s contempt for law and order has surfaced.

       Sidney Lowe has been cited for violating Raleigh’s water conservation ordinance.  …..   Sidney lives at “an odd day address” but his automatic sprinkler system is set on “even days”.  Not only that but HE LIVES IN A BIG HOUSE !   (Note: No mention of whether Sidney was “wearing a do-rag” at the time of the nefarious watering.)

    And you thought that N&O Editor Melanie Sill’s whizbang truth-seekers were not vigilant on behalf of Wake County citizens.  I guess they showed us, huh!

    Yep …. After “excelling” in their career-staining embarrassment during the Nifong Debacle; Editor Melanie’s truthseekers now define “news” as Sidney Lowe Caught Wet-Handed in sprinkler system violation at “his 9,500 square foot home in Raleigh’s Brier Creek subdivision”.  (NOTE:  no mention of Sidney’s home’s “tax value”.  That bird dog reporting is reserved for rich white families on Long Island”.)

       Let it be noted …. during the 45 minutes that Evil Sidney was “watering”, Elizabeth Edwards made 47 incredibly stoopid statements and her spouse stuck his foot in his mouth 19 times.

    Now let’s stop a minute.  To say that a sizable faction of Wolfpackers would not desecrate their bird cages with the tabloid trash generated on South McDowell Street is an understatement.  I’ve known uber-Wuffs who can find anti-NC State inferences in the N&O’s wedding announcements and tire ads much less their sports pages.   This latest piece-of-crap reporting by Editor Melanie’s truthseekers should go immediately to the Claude Sitton / Mickey McCarthy Wing of The Why Wolfpackers Hate The N&O Museum.

    I would no more try to tell Editor Melanie Sill how to manage her staff than I would try to tell Michael Vick how to run a dog fight …. But this one needed just a smidgen of “let’s not mention Coach Lowe” unless we mention all 272 residents cited.  “Let’s not note the size of Coach Lowe’s house unless we mention the domiciles of other area coaches”.

    To my many red-clad friends and neighbors …. This is one Tar Heel that “feels your pain”.

    Verbose as I am, I’m running out of adjectives to describe the N&O’s bunch of self-righteous arrogant pricks.  I guess that one will have to do …. “self-righteous arrogant pricks”.

    Sort of Related ….. In response to a recent American Journalism Review’s retrospective on “The Media & Duke Lacrosse”, Editor Melanie, in response to criticism by her peers of her paper’s disgraceful coverage of the mess, described the attempts of her journo-butchers to incite a race/class war as “we excelled”.   That is the same term used by Charles Manson as Charlie, Tex, Squeaky and the girls drove away from the LaBianco mansion on August 9, 1969.  “Excelled” indeed, Editor Melanie.

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        Even my hardcore Hokies pals say No Mas No Mas on the plight of Michael Vick.  MV1 has now “jumped the shark (pitbull)”.  The only base of support left for this sicko character is the Kunta Kente Lives Society that excuses every crime and perversion by ANY African-American under the Uncle Tom’s Cabin Rule: 

    …. No black can be convicted of any crime any time any where whether black on black, black on dog or black on white (especially if blond and named Nicole!) because “there was slavery in America until 1865”.  

    The Derm Chapter of the Kunta Kente Society is quite active.

    I’ve never been to a dog fight, a cock-fight or a Christians vs Lions fight in the Roman Coliseum.  I did go to a pro wrestling match in The Omni back in 1975.

    I might go to a “cat fight” if it was between Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel to see who is The Ultimate Jessica …. If they were wearing teddies and fighting in a vat of strawberry jello….. “maybe”.

       I understand “dog-fighting” is “a Black culture thing”.  Sort of like “gang banging” and stabbing each other with butcher knives.  Why should “whitey” care if all that results is “culling the herd” so to speak?   Alas, MV1 and his Tidewater homies lost that excuse when they involved domesticated animals, in this case pitbulls, and the canine pets that are used for appetizers before the death matches.

    There is a scene in Godfather I when Vito and the Five Families are discussing getting into “the narcotics business”.  Don Vito decides it’s OK because “it just involves ‘the coloreds’ and lets keep it that way”.  Mario Puzo makes no mention of how Vito Corleone woulda felt about dog fighting.

    Non-black America might easily dismiss “what goes on in the hood” as simply “what those people do” but not when house pets are involved.  Non-Black America has sympathy for dogs …. It does not have much sympathy for scary thuggy black dudes who go out of their way to look and act and talk like “scary thuggy black dudes”.

    Most folks cut MJ slack on his gambling.  Michael never looked, acted, talked like a scary thuggy black dude.  Barry Bonds has some PR issues due to his “attitude” more than any “scary thuggy image”.  “Scary & Thuggy” does not sell well in “the burbs”.

    Is MV1 “involved in dog fighting”?  Probably.  Might his high dollar lawyers find some technicality to keep him out of prison.  Quite possibly.  Will non-black Hokie fans or non-black Falcon fans embrace MV1 if he struts out of the courtroom flashing gang signs and being his old “I’m Mike Vick and I’m bulletproof” self?  A “few” actually will.

    A “few” people still think “something happened” at 610 N. Buchanan Blvd on March 13, 2006.  Go figure!

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    A BLS Stumper “Oldie” from The Godfather 

    “Leave the gun …. Take the _____ “

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       Posh Spice’s Gal Pals were Scary, Sporty, Ginger and Baby.  “Little Ricky” Packard knew that.  I worry about that boy.

      As you might expect ….. this column got quickly posted on a NCSU fan site and VOILA out of their dank damp basement slithered a for real “bottom feeder”.  I have not encountered that species in a few years.  A reminder that their mating season is coming up in six weeks. 

       A BobLee ALIVE Note:  Many of you ask if, in my BobLeeALIVE & In Person appearances, do I go into a right-wing political rant?  The answer is NO.  I use No Profanity (actually ONE little “sumbitch” but it’s essential to the story) and discuss NO PARTISAN POLITICS.  Not even one teeny weeny “Elizabeth and Johnny Joke”.  I am a humorist not a dominatrix.  I don’t inflict pain for pay.  People pay me to Entertain them, not piss’em off with my political opinions.  NO POLITICS @ A BobLeeALIVE SHOW.

       Sometimes a member of the audience will come up after a show and say “BobLee, I bet you’re an extreme right-wing fanatic.”  I’ll say “What makes you say that?”  They’ll say “Because you sound smart and you seem very happy.”   YIKES!  I reward such keen insight with their choice of a free book or CD.

       Country Clubs, Chambers of Commerce, Trade Associations, Corporate Retreats …. There are still a few I haven’t done yet.  I’m not “cheap” but I am entertaining.  The booking process starts with an e-mail at the e-address on this website. 

    BobLee

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