When Kenan Goes Kondo

    BobLee
    January22/ 2000

    ….. I can not have folks heading into the “Winter Holiday” Season worried about Kenan Going Kondo.  We will explain the principles behind “PAY TO PAY” …. PSLs, LTRs …. and The Coriolis Effect.  This commentary does not mince words.   This is a Long One and some of it will curl your Choo Choo”; but it will give you marvelous fodder for holiday party chit chat.

    The Coriolis Effect is why toilet water in Wichita will swirl in the opposite direction from toilet water in Perth.  If you wake up not knowing where you are, flush the toilet to determine the hemisphere.  How does toilet water knows where it is?  I’m sure Algore can explain it.

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       Kenan Goes Kondo as in “Kondo(minium) as in those Kenan seats you have been “renting” 6-7 Saturdays/year for years.  You will soon need to BUY the right to continue doing so.

    Within the past several years the following college football programs HAVE ACHIEVED “SUCCESS” without extravagant “facility enhancements”.

    Boston College …. Missouri …. Rutgers …. Kansas …. South Florida …. Boise State …. Navy …. Hawaii …. Oregon …. Wake Forest (their “enhancements” are hardly extravagant)

    Of these successful programs only Missouri & Oregon have facilities remotely comparable to WHAT CAROLINA ALREADY HAS.

    That we are even discussing these “enhancements” is the silliest scam since Professor Harold Hill arrived in River City with a wagonload of trombones.  

    If UNC insists on knee-jerking with a Goggle-eyed Loonie Mentality …. Fine …. 

       Let the Goggle-eyed Loonies pay for it. 

    Everybody likes to live high 

       …. On someone else’s hog

    • I will never lose weight and get in shape unless I spend lots of $$$ on expensive equipment and a trainer.
    • I will never be successful because I’m too young, too old, too white, too black
    • I will never have a happy marriage with a wonderful partner unless I have a big house and fancy car.
    • UNC will never have a winning football program unless it spends $150,000,000 on extravagant stadium bling bling.

    All of the above are failure excuses traditionally muttered by unsuccessful out-of-shape Lonely Losers.  Like they would have any clue whatsoever about achieving any of these objectives!  Keep this in mind as we proceed.

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        To most Tar Heels the concept of $150,000,000 to “enhance” Kenan is no more relevant than the circumference of Jupiter.  Wow.  That’s a big number. …. What’s for dinner?  

       Take a guess on …. (1) the cost to build The Legend’s Lair …. (2) the cost of the New Boshamer …. (3) the annual UNC Ath Dept budget?  ….. $35,000,000 …. $18,000,000 …. $40,000,000 (oops, that should be $40, 297,000!).  PLUS – “The Ernie”. To most Tar Heels, the solution to such dilemmas is just call Mo Koury or insert the name of one’s favorite “old dude with lots of money”.

    That has worked very well on a number of projects over the past few decades.  Despite being unappreciated and continually insulted by the cyber rabble, UNC’s “old dudes with lots of money” have shown amazing loyalty when asked and asked and asked.  This fancy new Academic Support Center (see below!!) is 4+ Dean Domes and Skippa is now playing second violin in the celestial symphony.  What to do, what to do?

    Even with Mike Fox’s moochies going to Omaha EVERY year, The New Boshamer is still a few mill short of just $17,000,000.  Raising big money is a sumbitch.  Just ask Dennis Kucinich’s campaign finance manager.  OK, bad example.

    Carolina is fortunate to have some darn good Blue Chippers on Team Montgomery …. Monty hisownself, #23 From Garden City, Matt, Sue, Dino, Ken, DiAnne, and a bunch of others.   In addition to these “boots on the ground”, UNC has some really heady hedge fund cowboys in the back room.  Yes, they did get snockered by Jimmy Sexton in this latest joust.  But Jimmy might end up regretting his pyrrhic victory in the long run.

    As Casey Tibbs would say …. “there’s never a horse that couldn’t be rode nor ever a rider that couldn’t be throwed.”  A little rodeo lingo there.

    Where Jimmy Sexton WILL slip up is the difference between the SEC (where Jimmy earned his bones) and the ACC which has a different breed of fat cat altogether.

    An SEC Big Fat Cat owns 1,273 Great Clips franchises.  Wife #4 is named Madge and she chews gum a lot.  His bimbo on the side is named Clarice and she chews gum a lot too.  He lives in a 30,000 sq ft converted airplane hangar in Muscle Shoals that is painted in his team’s colors.  Each of his eight kids gets their very own message board when they complete their GED.

     A UNC Big Fat Cat keeps his wealth on watermarked certificates in his personal walk-in vault at Wachovia or BOA.  He has a nice colonial within walking distance of Old Town Club or Myers Park CC.  His wife is named Laura or Martha.  She stays busy redecorating the NYC apartment and the Figure Eight cottage.  IF he has a bimbo on the side, her name is also either Laura or Martha.  Each of his kids has a seat reserved for them at the trading desk at Merrill Lynch.

     A UNC Fat Cat knows what RSVP means.  

      An SEC Fat Cat knows what STD means. 

       Both species can be hoodwinked of course.  But it takes a different sort of hood to wink’em.  It really doesn’t matter if Jimmy Sexton reads this.  Jimmy is in-breed SEC.  He can’t change.  Butch will either send Jimmy packing within two years or be gone himself.

    Coach-For-Life Butch & Jimmy say pony up $150,000,000 RIGHT NOW or or or …. “or” we don’t know what, but Butch & Jimmy say “You better!”

       Flimflamming fleet foots with stadium bling bling is quite pricey.  My suggestion is to spend $10,000 on a whizbang slide show and fancy renderings.  Update it each year saying “it will be done by your senior year”.  (1) None of’em will ever “be seniors” and (2) if we use Beyonce as the spokeshottie they won’t pay attention.  We can use the same slide show for 10-12 years easy.  Slimey developers building golf course communities have used this trick for years to avoid building fancy clubhouses.  

        My suggestion is “being considered”. …. Meanwhile …..

    There are not enough “rich old dudes” to scrape together $150,000,000.  Meezie just fleeced’em for $1,000,000,000+ (count the zeroes!!) for silly stuff like classrooms and dorms and mouse pads and such.  Damn you Meezie!

    There’s nobody left to shake down but the rank and file …. the untermensch …. the great unwashed (that be the faculty squirrels!) …. the me and the you and all the mainstream fans around the water coolers.  Uh oh!

    The concept of “Pay to Pay” …. charging people for the “right” to then be able to buy a ticket for a seat at a sports event is not new.  Whatever alphabet letters are used, it amounts to the same “squeeze”.  Pro sports teams and ambitious but cash-strapped college programs are doing it for “the same reason a dog licks himself ….. because he can”.  Enough fans will “do it” that the ones they piss off won’t matter.

    That is the thumbnail definition of what will be happening relative to attending games at Kenan/Sexton Memorial Enhanced Stadium within a few years.  Now you just have two questions …. WHEN …. And HOW MUCH.  

    In December 2007, no one under God’s Carolina Blue Sky can honestly answer WHEN or HOW MUCH here and now.  But, here’s a few formulas to help you calculate the When and How Much in the months to come.

    The first time most of you heard of PSLs (Permanent Seat License) was about 10 years ago when Jerry Richardson (and Max Muhlman) introduced it to Metrolina.  Jerry & Max caught the naïve Mecklenburgers when they were still giddy celebrating We Have Our Own NFL Team and It’s NOT Owned By George Shinn.

    For only $5,000 a Panther fan could pick out his seat(s) in Ericsson Stadium and own “the PERMANENT right” to buy those same seats each year or until the Panthers went a full calendar year without a player being arrested …. whichever came first.  There was a convenient financing plan available.  Like buying Lady Kenmores from a guy with a bad haircut at Sears & Roebuck.

    Panther PSLs are resellable for whatever the market will bear.  The George Seifert Era was “a down market” for reselling PSLs in Charlotte.  A John Fox PSL recession is looming.

    If a PSL owner chooses not to buy his allotted game tickets (including stoopid boring “exhibition games”) he loses his PSL.  People like lawyers (actually people do NOT like lawyers) but workplaces “similar to” law firms would form PSL buying groups where 2-3-4 guys share the costs of the PSL and the $40+ tickets and then fight over who gets the good games and who gets the Dolphins game in the cold and rain.

    That $5,000 license fee is a good ballpark figure to file away.  It seems the apex of the ouch point for average fans with orthodonture concerns and/or balloon mortgages.

    In West Rawlee, a similar scenario was rolled out a few years ago known as LTR (LifeTime Rights).  The “R” stands for Rights but it really stood for Rivers as in Philip #17.  Drunk on PR17 wine the ever optimistic disciples de Chuck sold the brood sow, the bell cow and that bottom land down by the creek to buy the right to buy tickets in Carter-Finley for a “Life Time”.  Remember each of these deals is unique.  “Life Time” is defined as 20 years in Wuff years.  Again, part of that “dog licking himself” authority.  Wuffs can take up to 10 years to pay off their LTR.

    Note:  Both The Panthers and The Pack chose good times to launch their cash grab.  Going 4-8 and beating one’s hapless rival by 3” is not a good time by anyone’s definition.

     (See …. I told you this was “a long one”!  You’ve invested this much time already, might as well keep going and see “who done it?”)

    The constant in each Pay To Pay scenario is the nasty letters detailing daddy has had these seats since …. and a detail litany of every embarrassing Furman game that xyz loyal fan has endured AND NOW THIS!  …..  NEVER send out the PSL / LTR announcement (1) within a week of being whupped like a rented mule … (2) around April 15 … (3) if your faculty squirrels just burned down the FCA meeting room.

    That so many versions of these shakedowns are available to choose from in 2007 should be an advantage.  Maybe not so for UNC.  The Dickster, bless his heart, has shown a marked reluctance to trust any concept, invention, or vegetables not actually grown and nurtured in Orange County.  He’s never been comfortable trusting “outsiders” all that much.  He won’t even visit the Super Wal-Mart in Pittsboro.

       Look for Prince Tassel Loafer to go to Skippa’s notes from 1982 for The Legend’s Lair.  Only two things in America are the same today as in 1982.  Mount Rushmore and Raquel Welch’s body …. but Dickie has his comfort zone.

    Skippa’s Plan for raising the $$$ for The Dean E Smith Student Activity Center (The DESSAC) was made up over a chicken salad sandwich at Sedgefield Country Club.  There were no precedents for such a thing.  Many is the time that UNC officials have regretted the “forever and ever, amen” nature of that deal.  Copying that out-dated formula would be about as smart as …. well, you know our recent history.

    The Good News:  The only element of Kenan Goes Kondo that Dickie will likely be involved in is getting blamed for the whole thing.  No one has ever been a better blame magnet than The Tassel Loafered Human Bullseye From Goldsboro.

    Dickie would rather give Mickie Krzyzewski a pedicure than have to impose PSLs/LTRs on his watch.  He wants to get his plaque, Carolina Blue rocking chair and framed picture of The Old Water Fountain without having to wear a kevlar vest on the steps of South Building.  Heck, who can blame him?

    What we/you are likely looking forward to within the next 2-3 years is some version of a $5,000-ish non-refundable LTR payment, with a multi-year pay-off, for the right to then buy up to four tickets at $50-60/game apiece.  These LTRs will likely be non-resellable unlike the Panther PSLs.  They would be willable and able to be passed on to children, trophy wives or aerobics instructors with cutesy names ending in “i”.

     Pay To Pays are ALWAYS over/above booster club dues.  There may even be an angle whereby Rams Club membership is required to then Pay to then Pay to buy season tickets.  Remember the purpose of all this is TO GENERATE SIGNIFICANT NEW REVENUE STREAMS. Rams Club dues cannot be used for capital improvements such as “stadium enhancements”.

    Unlike pomegranates and grapefruit, 10,000 extra seats above a new Academic Support Center do NOT grow on trees.  Bringing up another key point

    Look for this deal to be promoted as an ACADEMIC SUPPORT CENTER (with a 70,000 seat stadium with corporate suites conveniently attached).  Don’t be cynical. You would disguise it that way too.  It will fool most faculty squirrels if not KOBF.

    The word “Academics” is like “Poor People” and “the Children”.  Stick any of those labels on a box of dog poop and someone will buy it, especially around Chapel Hill. 

    The Corporate Suites / Skyboxes ….. these are like foursomes at a PGA ProAm.  They are not designed for individual purchase but as throw-ins to big long term advertising buys.  Learfield’s gotta eat too.  Wachovia, Coca Cola, Sprint, Harris-Teeter et al.   Maybe a few richer than Croesus types which brings us to the next point.  Carolina needs a T. Boone Pickens.

    T. Boone is a Billionaire oil tycoon that set up a $600,000,000 endowment so Oklahoma State can raid JuCos and maybe someday beat the Sooners.  Everything in Stillwater is now named Boone Something except for the Wal-Mart.  Even Boone doesn’t bat clean-up in every line-up.

    “Wealthy” is a relative term.  To a barefooted man, a man with one pair of shoes is rich.  Carolina has many deep pockets among its alumni.  The Carolina First campaign just trolled thru’em.  C.D. Spangler is probably the Alpha Dog pulling the Carolina sled.  C.D. however paid his dues in full with ten years putting up with not-stop lunacy from the squirrels as University System Prez.  Put a dollar value on that bureaucratic waterboarding.  C.D. sends his $$$$ to Haavad.

    Nouveau riche snooty pups like Apple Cheeks Edwards are takers not givers.

    How all this is ultimately packaged and presented, give Team Montgomery and the backroom hedge fund cowboys credit on one very important feature.  They Do NOT like pissing people off.  Remember that oops at last Spring’s Ram’s Club trainwreck at The Dean Dome.  They went to Damage Control Mode before I even recommended they do so.  They’re very good people.

    Get ready to queue up fellow Tar Heels and maybe, just maybe, Butch and Blake will find a Chase Daniel real soon and be on the brink of boogalooing down Bourbon Street ….. or maybe be like 98% of college football …. Close but …. Sorry Charlie.

       BCS Poker …. having fun yet?

    >>><<<

      Who won the scheming heart of Professor Harold Hill?

    >>><<<

       “Mark Twain” was a boatman’s call on The Mississippi to announce the river’s depth.  “Twain” (12′) was the minimum for a riverboat keel.

        Wondering how we survived Saturday night?  We called Kid as Chase and the Tigers went down fighting in San Antonio like Bowie, Crockett and Travis years ago.  The Crimson & Cream defenders were as ruthless as Santa Anna’s fussilliers.   We were worried that the “agony of defeat” would have Kid unnerved ….. “who won?  I fell asleep at the half.  It was boring …”  Not much chance of Kid becoming a loonie (not that that was ever a concern!).  ….. Yes, Mizzou definitely “got screwed” out of The Orange Bowl.  Mizzou, of course,  beat Kansas AND ILLINOIS (which beat tOSU) and Mizzou’s only losses were to BCS’ Oklahoma. …. Someone is always “getting screwed” in sports ….. but it hurts when its a team you care about. …… Mizzou v Arkansas in Cotton Bowl will be a great game.  ….. I think Hokie Jim is behind this.  He was afraid for his Hokies to play Mizzou.

    BobLee

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