Lassoing A Tornado!

    BobLee
    November16/ 2007

    When lassoing a tornado like Pecos Bill did or riding a tiger, the dicey part is how to dismount ??  Our last two columns have set total view records (F-Bomb Alley ‘07 will be posted next week !!)  UNC Football does intrigue folks.   Nelson and Ersky throw a Halloween Party for the squirrels. …. The Cryptkeeper takes the perp walk …. One more local she-villain bites the dust….

    Her professional epitaph will begin “honor student, single mother of two and lyin’ psycho ho ….” and will list the tax value of rich white folks” houses on Long Island.  The N&O’s Executive Editor Melanie “We Excelled” Sill is leaving town.  McClatchey is moving her to Sacramento but wherever she goes in her career the gloomy shadow of Mikey Nifong will forever taint her.

    John Drescher will be the N&O’s new Executive Editor.  OF COURSE John is a UNC J-School guy (sorry bout that Wuffies!) and, of course, he is left-leaning but he is “a good guy” so we shall cut him slack unless circumstances deem otherwise.  I e-exchanged w/ John this AM and he knows we’re watching.

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       Another local baddie is back …. Don “The Cryptkeeper” Beason former bag man for Jimbo The Weasel & Mere The Moll.  Yep, the creepiest guy this side of Teddy Kennedy was found guilty of “brandishing a gun” in a fit of road rage back last summer.  The facts in the case are marginal at best, but since we really don’t like The Cryptkeeper much at all, we will salute the local justice system for nailing a nasty.  Beason is sentenced to a bunch of community service hours …. and a TRO keeping him 100 yards away from the blue-jeaned butts of Big Ed’s waitresses.

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       UNC’s “Butch & Sundance” (aka Erskine & Nelson) had a pre-Halloween party this week in Chapel Hill for the local fruitcakes, nuts and squirrels.  The pretense was public input on what to look for in a new Chancellor but it amounted to little more than a Carrboro Street Fair.  Every over-the-top Chapel Hill stereotype was on hand in full screamin’ meemee mode.

    Their “next chancellor must _____ “ list made Hilly Monster’s plan for America look like a Karl Rove serenity prayer.

    The #1 “UNC must” was “Don’t admit any more hetero white boys” ….. then it got REALLY nasty.  Personally I think that fancy expensive headhunter is going to have a tough time finding a candidate who meets the consensus qualifications ….

    A bi-trans-lesbo-homo-atheistic croatian dwarf with a PhD from Fidel Castro University who enjoys fireside chats and long walks on a diverse beach …. with a billy goat.

    The assembled nutjobs also expressed deep concern that UNC still persists in offering two obscure courses that have actual real-world relevance in the modern occupational marketplace.  Eliminate those two dumb wastes of time ASAP.

    We have it on reliable source that both EB and Nelson had their I-Pod earbuds in place and were rockin’ out to Tommy James & The Shondells ….. and not effected one iota by the spittle spewin’ squirrels. …………. Trust Butch & Sundance.  BobLee does.

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       Other than how high cats can jump, not too much really amazes me any more BUT.  The incredible pass-along views total of both the previous two columns has reached “cat’s jump” levels.  WWBDD is getting near the rarified air of the All Time Champ – the original F-Bomb Alley column from two years ago.  That is ironic as F-Bomb Alley II is already in production for release next week just before “you know who comes over to you know where” on November 10….. There was Jason and Freddie and lately “Jigsaw” ….. but now there’s a really scary villain – Tailgate Tommy …. EEEEKKK!   Coming soon to a favorite website near you.

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        WWBDD and WHAT For WHY both had incredible grassroots reader totals BEFORE they got linked in a couple of loonie bins.  Then the view numbers just got silly.  BLSays’ normal reader base includes a darn impressive mover/shaker contingent both of UNCers and regular people.  Lots of doctors, lawyers, Indian chiefs, butchers, bakers and even a candlestick maker in Perth …. but these two recent musings reached both the Hoity AND the Toity and not nary a bomb threat nor another zombie jamboree in the cul-de-sac.

    Frankly folks, like Ol’ Roy, Ol’ BobLee ain’t this smart.  Understanding the principles of Pale Riders is not rocket surgery.

    Motivated by conflicting priorities, UNC officials have consciously decided to “lasso a tornado” and ante up in BCS Poker.  Doing so does not rank with Avarice, Adultery, Procrastination, and Nancy Pelosi among the worst sins of the 21st century.  I checked a North Korean website and “the future of UNC Football” does not even make the Top Ten concerns over there.

    When the delegation from the desperate townspeople sat down with Marvin Demoff a year ago to bid for Butch, Marvin was very clear what Butch’s demands would be.

    • Pay Butch “Roy $$$” and ….
    • Give Butch free rein to do anything Butch wants to do, 
    • However Butch wants to do it, and ….
    • Don’t even think about saying “whoa”.
    • If Butch hears one “whoa” he’s gonna “go”.  

    That’s how a Pale Rider works.

    If you’d rather promote an assistant or bring a burly prodigal son home go right ahead.  Either will cost you a bag of doughnuts and a leased SUV ….. and in exchange you get an unsightly rash and a bunch of lop-sided defeats ….. except, ironically, when you play your most hated rival.

    Of course one could go to CraigsList under “another Jim Grobe” but that’s a very rare commodity.  There are 20 Pale Riders for every one Jim Grobe.

    Is anyone that matters second guessing their decision?  Maybe one or two university staffers who wish Butch would occasionally say please and thank you as he bulldozes over them ignoring how we have always done things around here.  But, hey, you can’t make a BCS omelet without bruising a few administrative egos now can you?

    For those of you fascinated by Drama de Butch, it’s no different from any corporate re-organization that involves The Pros From Dover.  The P&L gets heavy on the L and light on the P so the angry stockholders take a deep breath and unlock the Doomsday Contingency Fund to lure a turn-around magician to their corner office.

    He pretends to respect all the local sacred company traditions for the first few months then one day he changes the locks on a bunch of doors, restripes the parking lot and takes that gastly picture in the lobby of the company’s founder’s mother and tosses it ….. and he never even asked anyone’s permission to do any of it.

    The bruised ego cabal calls a secret meeting after work and checks the fine print in the deal.  Page One, Paragraph One …. I NEVER EVER have to say “may I”.  Oops. We be screwed.

    On the flip side …. Pale Riders have to be kinda careful not to tinker with the formula for Coca Cola or get too kinky with certain shades of blue.

    For what its worth, Pale Riders never seem too concerned about retirement plans but they do pay close attention to buy out options.

    Most of you regular BL Buddies understand the basics of all this Pale Rider stuff.  It’s the same crap you’ve seen dozens of times in your corporate life.  You want to believe that your hobby of following your sports team is somehow different from yucky business crap.  Alas …. It IS just yucky business crap.

    Lassoing tornados, riding tigers …. and hiring Pale Riders …… incredibly thrilling until its time to dismount.  Then uh oh.

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    Former Raleigh Sheriff John Baker just died ….

    With which former NFL QB will Baker be forever linked?

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       George Toma is the Kansas City Star of sports fields.  The ultimate irony is that for much of the past 20 years, both his home fields (Royals Stadium & Arrowhead) had artificial turf.

           LOTS of new readers lately.  Yo newbees ….. BobLee uses a secret code of nicknames for most of the regular whozits we talk about.  It takes about three months to figure it all out.  If you want to ever become an inner circle buddy you have to run that gauntlet like 1,000s have done before you.

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