Rimshots: 04/02/08

    BobLee
    April03/ 2008

    BobLee machine guns his way thru a bunch of reader inquiries on a wide variety of goofy subjects. …. That column type you all seem to enjoy the most.  What Will Woody DO? …. White Boy Football …. Sylvia’s wardrobe …. Joe Alleva …. “Rocky” Rodham …. RDU’s new customer thru-put policy …. and other stuff. 

    During his playing days at UNC in the early 60s, Larry “Suitcase” Brown had two backcourt running mates. One had a memorable name – Yogi Poteet.  The other has been an NBA exec for decades – Donnie Walsh.  Donnie is leaving the Pacers to become Prez of the woeful Knicks.  YIKES!  Knicks owner Jim Dolan is certifiably insane and quite the evil fellow.  Dolan hired Larry as HC a few years ago but that marriage was shorter than one of Pamela Anderson’s.  Better get an iron-clad pre-nup Donnie.

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    TRUE STORY:  Toys R Us is now carrying “tramp stamp” stick-on tattoos for pre-teens.  That’s the “just above the butt crack” artwork you admire on skanks, sluts, ho’s, Uncle Buster’s 4th wife Lurleen, and Bunny Hole Entertainment field personnel.  No cure for cancer yet ….. but we now have “tramp stamps” for pre-teens.    ….. the Deluxe kit comes with a kiddy thong and a little stripper pole.  If The Founding Fathers could see us now!

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        I’ll be with “the fellas” this weekend at “Just One Jumbotron” Kenan.  Its the annual Football Lettermen shindig in conjunction with the Blue-White Game.  Always good to swap tall tales with “the Carolina Junction Boys”.    

    The 3 B’s are always on hand …. Bradley (Chip), Battle (Wall), and Brent (Milgrom).  Maybe even a 4th and 5th B this year ….. The Bomars (Gayle and David).  “Prince Albert” and his leather helmet crowd from the 50s are always a treat to revisit. …..

     “Dang BobLee, you’ve been kinda rough on BCS Butch lately.  Aren’t you skeered to show up?”  Nahh, reasonable adults understand we can have different opinions on some issues but still get along …. plus, I have that conceal carry permit.

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    Duke’s Joe Alleva is a finalist for the LSU AD job.  LSU ???? …. Not exactly “Harvard of The Bayou” there Joe.  Joe’s #1 concern to the search committee was “You don’t have a Lacrosse team; do you?”  Since the Duke Trustees recently approved the long awaited Wally Wade Restroom ReDo, Joe must feel his work is done at The Gothic Rockpile.  Just another Spring Transfer in West Derm?

    Maybe K-Man gets the dual job.  That worked out so well for Jimmy V ….. NOT!

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     I don’t normally pay attention to Lacrosse unless it involves DNA, two ho’s, and a dim-witted DA, but apparently the ACC is among the best again this year.  UNC recently whipped superpower Hopkins and Duke, UVa, and Maryland are among the elite again.

    I had a long chat with a notable Ram’s Club mover/shaker this week about Lacrosse.  Lacrosse is a sport on the rise especially among non-African Americans who enjoy a contact sport but don’t have a place at the high school football table any longer.  Lacrosse has become “White Boy Football”.

    In a liberated post-Jeremiah World it is now politically chic (!) to “go with your cultural flow”.  For a Caucasian-American kid, unless you are a QB, center or place-kicker those Friday Night Lights don’t shine on you any longer.  

      That’s not good or bad.  It is just the way it is.

    When will Volleyball become “White Boy Basketball” …. the alternative for sports-minded Cauc kids in the winter?  How many Cauc kids do you see in public school basketball?

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    A frequent question resurfaced again this week.  WWWDD?  What Will Woody Derm Do?  That’s the venerable “voice of ….”.  Woody and I speak about as often as Steve Kirschner and I do …. BOINK …. which is every time Roy Williams considers getting a flaming skull tattoo on his left butt cheek.  The Wood Man is not a big fan of provocative Internet columns or the Legends who write them.  My thoughts are mere educated speculation.

     The Franklin Street Faithful realize that Woody’s portrait of Dorian Gray is showing advancing years.  His flubs and faux pas are more frequent to which I say …. “who cares?”  All that matters is that he is the consummate “tub-thumping homer” which he absolutely should be.  Nobody with Learfield or in the UNC Ath Dept has the heart to pull Woody’s plug.  Dickie will leave that task to his successor just like Little Johnny left Mike Roberts and Devon Brouse and Bob Savod for Dickie to deal with.

    “Voices of the ___” NEVER just go away on their own.  Where would they go and what would they do?  Do you really want to see Woody relegated to his own bar stool at Spanky’s wearing a “I used to be Woody” t-shirt and signing his autographs across the chests of 75 y/o “blue hairs” who all claim they danced the horizontal mambo with Larry Miller?  Play with that visual for a few seconds.    

    But BobLee, when they do pry the mic from his rigor mortis fingers, who will replace him?   Everyone guesses either Woody II (aka his son Wes) or “Mick”.  If those are the only choices, I’d vote “Mick”.  “Mick” finally cut his Franklin Street umbilical cord to do play-by-play for The Panthers but his roots will always be in Chapel Hill.   Mick has his quirks, like we all do; but he’s a solid pro and would fit in smoothly for the next 30 years.  …. Unless Jimmy Sexton has a client who wants the job of course.

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        CSI Miami fans …. I hope you saw this week’s two-parter.  Horatio out Dirty Harry’s Clint.  “Malea Noche Justice.  Meet Miami Justice!”  “H” takes out nine Malea Noche assassins in Rio and never smudges his RayBans.  Calleigh gets in a pickle but “Bullet Girl” keeps her cool and the team wins the day.  The poker table showdown is classic.

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    Lots of “oh, my word!” from Tar Heel fashionistas over Sylvia Hatchell’s wardrobe in the loss to LSU.  ….. “from the Porter Wagoner Rodeo Collection @ Burlington Coat Factory”.  As one known to mix plaids w/ stripes and wear a “Dogs Playing Poker” camp shirt to Sunday School, I won’t take a cheap shot.

    Some people’s overall good works gives them license to be a tad eccentric.  Sylvia Hatchell has that license.  Not only is she among the elite of “girls’ basketball coaches”, she is simply “a really really nice good person”.  She mother hens her players in a campus environment where dangers lurk under every sexual-preference rock.  If Kid played basketball, I’d want her to play for Sylvia Hatchell regardless of whether Sylvia dresses a bit unorthodox.

     Speaking of “girl’s basketball” …. Those sections of empty seats for Girls March Madness reminds one of a professional soccer game in America.  Any decade now girls basketball and soccer are going to “take off” rivaling “poker” and “bass fishing” as spectator successes in our culture.

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    TRUE STORY:  RDU is joining a handful of other airports in instituting new “customer thru-put”(?) security lines.  There will be different lines based on general IQ and individual travelers’ “have a clue” capacity.  As a traveler I welcome this.  As a humor columnist I am ECSTATIC with this.  

    This offers a cornucopia of whack-a-mole opportunities as airport TSA bureaucrats engage in hand-to-hand combat with the ACLU and assorted dim-bulb advocate groups.

    • Line A:  Those w/ a brain & gainfully employed contributors to the economy. 
    • Line B:  Dennis Kucinch supporters and anyone unclear how much 4 oz. is 
    • Line C:  Fat ugly wimmen wrestling with 3 ill-mannered youngans. 
    • Line D:  Smelly guys in wife-beater t-shirts and flip flops 
    • Line E:  Unibrows wearing hoodies muttering Farsic profanities.  

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