You Tar Heel fans perplexified by my hypothetical question about alma maternal priorities – cease perplexing. I can’t leave you in that condition. If there’s a power surge you might get stuck in permanent perplex. I will explain today: How Carolina Can Have Big Time Football Without Being The Biggest Hypocrites On The Planet. Holden, you and Erskine take a seat here on the front row.
Looking for the Just Hired Help column? You’re the one person in the Western Hemisphere that has NOT read that one. Its in the Archives. Read this one first, then read that one. Questions from both will be on the final exam.
Lane “Rocky Top Not” Kiffen once said “I love Knoxville so much it took me seven seconds to say yes to Southern Cal.” Lane also said the following about Big Time College Football:
“Angels don’t play football. So we don’t recruit Angels.”
I wish I had said that. I’m going to steal it. I’m going to toy with you for a few minutes. It’s my nature. A fella can’t go against his nature for very long.
Q: BobLee, who dat big boy wif dat big gun?
A: Dat big-un be Young Marvin!
Holden, you have engineered something incredible with this Investigation thing. For one solid week you have had a TOTAL LOCKDOWN of all comments from any authorized UNCer. No one spoke under anonymity. There is always one anonymous leaker. Not this week. Kudos!
Selecting a pope is not this secretive. If this were The Meez, Tar Heels would be dreading him on a podium beside Prince Tassel Loafer. A sight only our most hated rivals enjoy. You’ve got cred CHT. Yes, thanks to me. Whatever you say will resonate. If you say anything goofy they WILL forgive you – in 20-30 years.
Personally I’d love to see you stand at the podium, adjust the mic and say:
“After long discussions with my wife Patti, my Life Coach BobLee, and a crazy homeless guy in front of the post office – I have decided to completely disband our football program effective immediately” ….. (10 second pause) …. aw shucks, I’m just spoofin’ ya. We ran that twitterin’ fool Marvin out-of-town and Butch promises he’ll pretend he’s one of us. Anyone wanna buy a suite? We have three left. Hark The Sound. Go Heels! ya’ll”
I’m sure you’ll say the right thing. It won’t be as memorable as that though.
College Football is a grand spectacle. From “Andy Griffith drinking a “big orange” while watching convicts kick a punkin all over a cow pasture” to today’s mad race to have the largest Jumbotron – college football is as much a part of The College Experience as “getting drunk at a frat party and throwing up on your dates’ shoes”.
It was great before HDTV, now its more great. The color, the pageantry, the bands, the mascots, the crooked referees, the obnoxious jackass sitting in front of you, the
$4 bottles of water and 20 minute waits to pee….
flipping cheerleaders, $4 bottles of water, 20 minute waits in line to pee, the thrill of victory – the agony of three defeats in a row to a rival. Oh, and “the pine trees”. For God sakes, don’t forget the sacred pine trees.
Could Carolina GameDay be even better? Can Carolina field a team of really fast, really strong, really aggressive youngsters who are as fast, as strong, and as aggressive as those schools we watch play on New Years Day. Will Chris, Herbie, Lee (and Erin) visit Chapel Hill for a FOOTBALL game? YES THERE IS A WAY.
Butch and Blake already know how to “go get’em” (wink, wink, cough). ‘em being youngsters of the same sort those others schools “get” (wink, wink, cough) – hand grenades with loose pins & twitter fetishes. We already have a lot of hand grenades. We are already building fancy suites where fat cats can close deals, get likkered up, and piss & moan wherever Shoop’s offense goes 3 & out. All we have is ONE MORE ISSUE. ….. (drumroll please)
For The University of North Carolina to have a BCS quality football program; every living alumni, faculty, staffer, and sidewalk faux fan must:
Along with “elite”, lets bury – a copy of Look Homeward Angel, a James Taylor CD, and that dopey recording by dopey Charles Kuralt. Bury Lewis Black too, just because.
The next arrogant prig that says “harrumph, yadda yadda Southern Ivy” gets lynched from the Davie Poplar. Admit what the rest of Earth has known for years – UNC is a very nice liberal arts college in a nice traditional college town where kids hang out for four years between high school and “get a job”. Where alumni come back to swap lies about crazy stuff they didn’t really do but pretend they did because no one cares either way.
UNC has a bell tower … a couple of quads called “places” … a library (with no Christmas tree) … some old buildings … new buildings … some nutjob faculty … some darn good faculty … pretty coeds … average-looking coeds …, cool kids … dorks … a main drag with dingy bars where kids get drunk that aren’t suppose to … some worthwhile courses of study that matter … some stoopid PC-curriculums that don’t matter … some lesbians … some Indians (both kinds) … some Orientals, a few midgets and an insane muslim. In other words.
Carolina is Georgia with a ram instead of a bulldog. Carolina is Florida except our coeds aren’t as tanned. LSU without the Cajun stuff. Texas without Bevo. Penn State except our coach is not older than dirt. Southern Cal except we haven’t been penalized by the NCAA – yet.
Doug Dibbert will never be able to comply. Erskine has agreed to transfer Doug to UNC-Pembroke. Doug with all his synonyms for “elite”, “special”, “incredible” and “so wonderful it takes my breath away” is on his way to Lumberton.
Gene Nichol could probably adjust but he’s being fired …. as a personal favor to me.
IF even one individual connected to this college in any way, shape, form or fashion ever mutters the phrase “we are an elite institution” ever again, all the hand grenades with loose pins will go away. Butch & Blake will go away. We will never never ever beat Virginia in Charlottesville …. ever.
Simple as pie ….. or is it? One arrogant pompous stuffed-shirt bag of self-indulgent flatulence says “harumph harumph We Are Carolina we are elite blah blah blah” and BCS dreams go POOF.
Thru my contacts with Big Time Football Schools R Us I have used a marker to get us a special proviso.
We have the first two home games this Fall to institute the “never ever say ELITE ever again” Rule. If any one at your tailgate or sitting in your section utters the “E” word, pull out a fork and STAB THEM IN THE EYE. It doesn’t matter which eye but it has to penetrate deep enough that when you let go of the fork it stays embedded.
As many as 45 and a minimum of 22 will need to be so dealt with. Do you know why we chose 22 as the minimum? …. Choo Choo!
I’ve cut the deal. Want to discuss it? e-mail me at…..
NOTE: Within twelve minutes of posting this column, we heard from over 14,000 UNC alumni/fans who said “BobLee, you brokered us a Great Deal. They oughta make you a Gimghoul Guy. This will be a pieca cake. We’ve known that “elite” stuff was crap for years. We just do it to rile up the Wuffies.”