Most UNC-CH Students are…..

    Agent Pierce
    February19/ 2014

    Lets get real, people! In high school, student body president is a popularity contest. In college, student government president is Homecoming Queen for Nerds…. a traditional niche for non-jocks and non-hottie coeds to pretend to be relevant.

    Over at the much-maligned, scandal-ridden UNC-CH they just had an election for next year’s Student Body President. The nationally publicized, undocumented alien / gay candidate lost BY A LOT in a run-off. Disproving a popular myth that “most UNC students are abuncha _______”.

    My buddy BobLee has a little test he conducts whenever he meets an NC State alum/fan for the first time. “Have you ever had consensual sex with a domesticated farm animal?”

    Other than one fellow who answered…. “How recently?” he gets resounding No’s. So much for that myth. He also occasionally visits the NC State campus looking for the parking lot where they park all the John Deere tractors. Nope, there isn’t such a place. So much for that myth.

    Being thorough in his mythbusting, BobLee also is forever looking for all those “Jews from New Jersey” who, they say, populate a certain West Durham academic rockpile. Again, nope, not true either. Darn those popular long-standing myths designed to denigrate designated population segments.

    Well, of course THOSE myths might be exaggerated a tad but for sure:

    “ALL Carolina students are goggle-eyed spittle-spewing left-wing radical anarchist wannabees of all sorts of sexual preferences other than hetero….”

    THAT ONE is true, isn’t it? Nope.

    I have long maintained (and this recent election at UNCCH verifies my observation) most college students in general are:

    …. JUST KIDS negotiating a traditional rite of passage gauntlet between adolescence and young adulthood.

    …. for the most part scared spitless as they whistle past the graveyard of their rapidly dying adolescent innocence. Employing every imaginable defense mechanism versus Life’s fast-approaching and daunting challenges.

    …. away from home and “on their own” (yes, I know all about Helicopter Parents – YUCK!) and dealing with an endless assault from all manners of bright, shiny alluring alternatives. The brightest, shiniest and most tempting of which tend to be injurious to their overall well-being.

    Armed with naught but “how I was raised” they must deal with numerous “hot stoves” and “wet paint” and will, in all likelihood, end up with a few blistered and paint-stained fingers in the process. All of which, hopefully, will be endured and healed within four years.

    And that’s not even counting persistent issues with zits; and dorm-mates with very poor personal hygiene.

    Have you ever heard of the Florsheim 25 Rule? By age 25, 96% of all UNC-CH kids have forsaken their Birkenstocks (if they ever owned a pair) and are wearing Florshiems trying to “make it” in a very competitive “real world”.

    7,400 votes were cast in the UNC SGE run-off out of 25,000+ undergraduates. That is actually a very high %.

    The illegal & gay candidate lost by 26% of the votes. That is the largest margin of defeat in UNC student government election history. The average UNC-CH undergrad spoke with his/her vote.

    The “illegal & gay” kid, Emilio Vicente, is, I suspect, a “good kid” who became a pawn for overtly aggressive radical activists who gravitate to college towns like buzzards to roadkill. THAT is NOT A MYTH!

    I am defending the average UNC-CH undergrad here. I am not defending the goggle-eyed, mangy radical nutjobs that slink around college towns preying on the naïve and disenfranchised. The dramatic election results are a resounding defeat for those radical activists….. not for the candidate.

    It is a very safe bet that most UNC-CH kids are much more focused on the upcoming Duke game than with whoever / whatever becomes Student Body President. Jabari Parker is better known on UNC’s campus than Emilio Vicente. Jabari goes to Duke and is neither Jewish nor from New Jersey.

    The newly elected SBP – Andrew Powell – is, I’m guessing, also “a good kid” whose mom and dad are quite proud of him. He is chomping at the bit to take office and initiate all manner of ground-breaking reforms yadda yadda yadda….. blah, blah, blah. Give’em hell Andrew. Yeeee Haa!

    A year from now some other well-intended kid will “chomp at his/her bit” to do likewise. And all the silly little trivialities that seem oh-so-important to 19-20 year-olds will prevail as they have for multi-decades.

    ….. the next oh-so-sincere candlelight vigil for some wacky trumped-up faux-cause will draw the same 20-30 earnest souls standing resolute on the steps of South Bldg holding their little votive candles and looking soooo serious.

    Meanwhile MOST UNC kids will be tweeting about who The Bachelor will give the rose to…. and requesting a new room mate who changes his/her sheets more than once a semester.

    Hopefully Emilio Vicente will move on with his life and build a resume of achievement beyond “I’m illegal and I’m gay” unless, of course, he intends to move into a commune in Carrboro and stalk Franklin Street with those goggle-eyed semi-professional radical nutjobs.

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    Agent Pierce

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