80-100,000 (??) Invade Franklin Street !!!

    Agent Pierce
    February21/ 2014

    “Logistics expert” / Goodmon toadie Peter Anlyan was not there. Nor was pulpit-pounding demagogue BullyBarber; but “easily 80-100,000 if not half-a-million” probably were…. late Thursday night on Chapel Hill’s fabled Franklin Street. NC statutes require every mob to have its own alliterative name so the event was immediately labeled Tar Heel Thursday.

    Delirious Tar Heel celebrants used a regular season win over the hated Blue Devils to romp and stomp and jump thru bonfires and generally behave as if they had never won a basketball game before……

    “THIS is so AWESOME”….. “THIS is what “going to college” at Carolina is all about”….. “I can’t wait to have grandchildren so I can tell them I was here!” …… “Obama has taken away my insurance. Sure, my degree has zero market value. But tonight nothing matters except WE BEAT DOOK!…..

    These were a sampling of the comments heard from the 10 of 1,000s of exuberant celebrants along the celebrated thoroughfare.

    NOTE: BobLee and I played rock – paper – scissors to see who got to write this one. My rock broke his scissors.

    Earlier in the evening, Royz Boys had notched their 19th victory of the season. “Now we are only ONE WIN away from #20 !” said one inebriated bonfire jumper. “….. and we did it without PJ Whatshisname. Un-BEEE-lievable”

    “I thought beating Florida State on Monday was as good as it gets” said one celebrant “but to Beat Dook in The Dean Dome in mid-February WOW….. this must be what that astronaut meant by “one giant leap for mankind?”

    “I’m no logistical expert like that Jim Goodmon stooge Peter Anlyan, but I’ve seen my share of over-the-top Franklin Street mobs and this is a doozy” exclaimed a guy identified only as “Mort”.

    UNC Athletics spokesman Steve Kirschner who estimates Kenan Stadium crowds using a Ouija board was unavailable for comment.

    UNC’s Vice Chancellor for Official Statements stated on behalf of Chancellor Charming Little Carol Folt (From Dartmouth!) that she is “…. both tickled pink AND pleased as punch to be here.”

    Comparisons to V-E Day and V-J Day and “Lindbergh crossing the Atlantic” were heard from the six people in Chapel Hill who had any clue what any of those were.

    How many of the celebrants were “from out-of-state” and/or “members of unions” is not clear. N&O newshound Rob Christensen says he did NOT see Rielle Hunter but likely would not recognize her anyway.

    The mob woulda been much larger (heck, maybe 200,000 !!) except for a competing party being held by noted impressario Fats Thomas at an undisclosed location in deepest darkest Derm.

    Watching from a rusted-out VW mini-bus were a Jim Morrison lookalike, a Janice Joplin lookalike and two drugged-up trannies both dressed like Cher. “Whazzzz goin’ on, dude? Where’s my bong? Has anybody seen my bong?”….. “We came over from Carrboro when we heard all the ruckus. Can I throw my draft card in the fire?”

    “80-100,000 Easy….. I think everybody in North Carolina is here. Pat McCrory and Thom Tillis better wake up and realize the Tar Heels are FOR REAL….. Dan Kane can kiss my grits.” screamed a sophomore from Valdese.

    A kid known androgenly as “Pat” claimed to be the first openly (1) gay – (2) dyslexic – (3) undocumented – (4) half-Filipino – (5) practicing Wicken – to ever jump thru a bonfire after beating Dook in a postponed game in mid-February.

    “We will not be satisfied until Pat’s jersey is in the rafters” claimed a left-wing leprachaun calling himself Xerxes.

    Dr Deborah Stroman, Chairman of the UNC Faculty Black Caucus had, just last week, asked everyone to “light a candle (to fight the hate aimed at semi-literate AfAm student-athletes)”. No one was quite sure what the heck she meant. Does a mini-bonfire in the intersection of Franklin and Columbia Street count?

    Carolina becomes the first team in college basketball history to defeat the top four pre-season picks in a season.

    Belmont, UAB and Wake Forest become the first teams in college basketball history to beat the team that beat the top…..

    The oft-maligned, occasionally beleaguered and always unpredictable Roy Williams has now defeated FOUR active fellow ring-winning coaches in one season – Pitino, Calipari, Izzo and now Krzyzewski. If he can defeat Jim Boeheim that would be FIVE….. If he (Roy) can defeat Marc Gottfried AGAIN next week it would still be only four since Gottfried has not won a National Championship ring. BUT…..

    IF Gott somehow does beat Roy he would become “the first coach to beat the first coach who beat FOUR ring-wearing……”

    Beating a 5-loss Duke team in mid-February is “nice” but not exactly “epic”. If 80-100,000 (???) turn out for “this” what might happen if the team wins something that actually matters? UNC officials are frantically trying to contact any member of Bill Barber’s posse and/or “logistics expert” Peter Anlyan for their expert advice in promoting greatly over-estimated mobs.

    From behind a shrub in McCorkle Place, a diminutive man “just call me Dickie” was wearing a Carolina Way t-shirt and playing Hark The Sound on a kazoo.

    Agent Pierce

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