All you Tillis-Hatin’ REAL CONSERVATIVES, I appreciate your determination to convince all us Not As Real Conservative As You Are that only You embody the spirit of the Original Minutemen. You and your band ‘o buddies are incredible Americans. Praise The Lord and pass the ammunition…..
I don’t like Karl Rove at all. I don’t care for Mitch McConnell or John Boehner or Lindsey Graham or John McCain or Richard Burr….. yuck, ptui. Given the opportunity I would certainly tweak Thom Tillis hard on some issues where he is confused. You and me, we are simpatico. Capice?
All you Tillis-hatin’ REAL Conservatives, AgentPierce has such a deal for you. Here’s the deal:
First: Vote for Thom Tillis so we can defeat the Dreadful Kay Hagan. WHOA, don’t go all hizzy fit on me. Take a few deep cleansing breaths and Hear Me Out.
In the total privacy of the sacred voting booth, just darken the circle or check the box FOR Thom Tillis. That’ll be the one with the (R) beside his name. In total privacy. No one but you (and me) will know you did indeed VOTE For Thom Tillis. Hold your nose while whistling the theme from The Bridge Over The River Kwai. Whatever, just DO IT. Just our little secret.
The other options on that ballot will be Dreadful Kay Hagan or “that pizza goober”. I’m sure you don’t intend to check/darken either one of those. But you might waste your sacred vote by writing in Brannon or Rhodes or RinTinTin or Pat Paulsen or old Harold Stassen or maybe your Crazy Uncle Earl. Don’t or this deal is null and void.
Yes, I know McClatchy newspapers, and their pals over at PublicPolicyPolling, and Jim Goodmon’s dumpster-divers, and those jackasses at the News&Record, and all the wacked-out hippie freaks in Chapel Hill/Carrboro and Haight-Asheville tell you that Dreadful Kay Hagan will win. If you believe that gaggle of short-bus riding moe-rons why are you even reading this website?
We Not-As-REAL Conservatives-As-You-Are may not need your vote, but I like to hedge my bet. DO IT – Vote For Tillis. OK? Here’s what you will get – Quid Pro Quo and Away We Go.
IF You Do Vote For Tillis…. THEN
You still get to go on your favorite Facebook page(s) and romp and stomp and hoot and holler that You DID NOT VOTE For Tillis (In The Primary). SHOUT OUT that you voted for Brannon, Rhodes, Crazy Uncle Earl, et al (in the primary).
PLUS: you can still call the rest of us Not-REAL Conservatives all those names you’ve been calling us. You (and every liberal) can boast that you are oh-so-much smarter than the rest of us because…. well, just because. Look, I appreciate that Hatin’ Thom Tillis is Who You Are. Your identity, your essence is totally invested in how You Really Really Hate Tillis Because You Are Such a REAL Conservative. You will not be sacrificing any of that identity with my deal.
Not every Tillis-hatin’ REAL Conservative will be reading this. Crazy Uncle Earl, Rhodes, et al WILL receive a few 1000s votes across the state. You can even let your buddies assume yours was one of those precious few totally wasted votes.
Your reputation as a Better-Man-Than-I-Gunga Din-REAL Conservative will be solidly in tact. I will sign a sworn statement attesting to your REAL CONSERVATIVE INCREDIBLE AMERICAN street cred.
Best of all….. “We” (including you) will be out from under the tyrannical rule of that flaming jackass Harry Reid and his gang. That will take away most of the power to destroy America from those two other flaming jackasses Barack & Michele Obama. …… if YOU Secretly Vote For Thom Tillis.
PLUS: I promise to work with you in two years to find a REAL Conservative to run against Burr in a primary. If we together find a solid one, I pledge my support to his/her election. BTW, I like Dan Forest A LOT.
But right now we need to band together to stomp the crap outta that Dreadful Kay Hagan. So:
(1) You secretly VOTE For Tillis. No one will know but you (and me)
(2) With your secret support, Tillis wins
(3) You still get to SCREAM on-line that you did NOT Vote For Tillis (In The Primary) because you are such A REAL Conservative and AMAZING American!
(4) America, and your grandchildren, will be a whole safer because you did this one favor for ol’ AgentPierce.
(5) As a Junior Senator Tillis won’t be able to do much damage anyway. It’ll take him three years just to figure out The Metro around Washington.
Speaking on behalf of all Not-As-REAL Conservative-As-You-Ares, Thank You And God Bless America.