UNCCH’s Great Unpleasantness has left Earth’s gravitational pull for a far larger galactic stage – The Greatest Academic Scandal of All Time Anywhere. The blogosphere is awash with frustrated columnists searching for new adjectives to define just how MegaNormous it is. It’s Tsunamic !!!
Very Incredibly Good Ol’ Roy is also at a lost for words to describe how incredibly ethical “he says he is”. Mother Teresa is dressing up “like Roy” for Halloween. Mahatma Ghandi wants to “be Roy” when he grows up. Roy didn’t ask me (he rarely does) but methinks the embattled HoF coach is laying it on ten tads too thick.
Meanwhile a sizable faction of Tru-Blues are behaving much like Madeleine Albright. That is A Good Thing to a cynical observer of human foolishness like me.
You all do recall “That woman Monica” and her blue dress and the cigar and…. and…. and “the meaning of IS” etc etc. Right? Maybe you recall how everyone in the Clinton White House ran around in Chinese Fire Drill mode covering for Slick Willie. Their unsolicited praises for the awesome character of Naughty Ol’ Bill reached skyscraper heights. No one ran about like Alice’s White Rabbit more than “Madame” Albright – Clinton’s Grande Dame Secty of State.
Madame Madeleine got herself booked on every Sunday show, late night show and Fred Anderson Toyota ad for the chance to rebute, refute and deny deny deny that “her” Slick Willie knew that no-count tramp in any way whatsoever especially not in a carnal way. As the incriminating evidence grew higher than that phallic monument next door to the White House, Madeleine’s insistence that “IT’S ALL LIES…. PRESIDENT CLINTON DIDN’T DO NOTHING” took on comic proportions. Finally Bill called Madeleine into The Oval Office.
“Madeleine, I really do appreciate your loyalty. Your defending me in every Middlesex village and town is much appreciated. I cannot imagine anyone having a more steadfast advocate. I can never thank you enough. But….. Madeleine, I DID IT. Me and “that woman Ms Lewinsky did “it” right there on that sofa and in that chair and on that carpet and on this desk and….. well, we did “it” all over this room many many times. So, you probably need to stop making a damn fool of yourself on my behalf.”
Madeleine Albright was silent…. deep in thought…. her little liver-spotted hands wringing in her lap. Then she spoke:
“No, Mr President you did NOT. You think you did and you say you did and Ken Wainstein has all those emails and all those testimonies but NO, Mr President you did NOT do it.”
Bill stared at her in amazement then chuckled to himself “Well WTF, I tried!…..” and he went down to the White House bowling alley and rolled a few frames. And Madeleine went out and ran up and down Connecticut Avenue on her chubby little legs telling everyone she met “President Clinton did NOT do IT.”
Every one of you reading this regardless of your school partisanship knows at least one Madeleine Albright Carolina Fan these days. Probably more than one. Madeleine Albright fans = Holocaust Deniers. OUCH!
NOTE: I’m pretty sure that Madame Albright gave a UNC commencement speech one year. Maybe its time to invite her back?
Instead of Connecticut Ave, UNC’s Madeleines are rowing a khyak down Denial River paddling upstream thru office corridors and thru cul-de-sac and up/down church pews and thru shopping malls plaintively insisting that:
“Carolina didn’t do nothing…. It’s ALL LIES….. there was no AfAm scandal at all…. Deborah and Jan and Burgess are saints…. all our boys are Boy Scouts…. Roy gives Billy Graham lessons in proper behavior…. and Dean…… why Dean was born in a manger and can turn water into Gatorade any time he wants…. and Mahktar was a real good boy too. That Ken Wainstein and that Dan Kane are evil agents of the Devil himself over yonder at Duke…..”
People look at them funny, even their friends and families, but they don’t care. They are on a mission that transcends common sense. By a whole lot. It was silly enough before last Wednesday. Now its some heretofore unreached level of absolute lunacy….. but at least now you know what they are – Carolina’s Madeleine Albright Fans.
Then there are the “Little Hamchunk” fans. You’ve all seen that 70s movie classic with John Wayne – The Green Berets. Everyone but Albert. One of the more poignant story lines involved a cute little Viet Namese orphan – Little Hamchunk.
Hamchunk “adopts” Green Beret Sgt Peterson (Jim Hutton) who he calls his Peter-San. Peter-San is all he has except for a little terrier puppy. Hamchunk follows Peter-San everywhere and the soldier and the orphan boy bond in a way that you just know won’t end well. It doesn’t.
On a special covert mission, Peter-San trips a Viet Cong booby trap and is killed in a very gruesome scene. The A-team brings him back in a body bag.
As the choppers land back at HQ, Hamchunk is waiting on the tarmac to welcome his Peter-San. The A-team piles out…. minus their fallen comrade. The grim reality begins to dawn on Little Hamchunk. Major Kirby (The Duke) consoles the grieving boy.
“Your Peter-San was very very brave. You knew this might happen some day.”
The Green Beret and the little boy hold hands staring out at the Gulf of Tonkin. Kirby put Peter-San’s green beret on Hamchunk. Tears rolling down his cheeks, Little Hamchunk looks up at Major Kirby….
“Yes, but I didn’t want it to.”
with Sgt Barry Sadler’s words in the background….. “Put silver wings on my son’s chest. Make him one of America’s best……”
There are a LOT of Little Hamchunks in TarHeelNation these days.
“You knew this might happen someday”….. “Yes, but I didn’t want it to.”
Really folks. Where else you gonna get Madeleine Albright and Hamchunk analogies?
As the fiery condemnations and blistering editorials continue to reign down on the legendary campus just south of Franklin Street…. my vote for “best line yet” still goes to:
TV news camera caught Chancellor Chihuahua addressing concerned students last week. An AfAM coed, wearing a tribal turban, stood up in a half-filled auditorium to ask Chancellor Charming Little Carol Folt (from Dartmouth):
“Chancellor Folt, has this scandal affected the value of my degree in African American Studies?”
The diminutive Chancellor, keeping a straight face, mustered all the assuredness she could to reply:
“Young lady, I assure you that your degree in African American Studies is worth every bit as much today as it was last week.”
Think about the wording of the question and the careful wording of the reply. PURE GENIUS! After I spit up my Coke Zero I realized I had underestimated the cleverness of UNC’s diminutive Chancellor in Crisis.
As October become November, let us recall that 38 years ago today WKRP’s Herb Tarleck and “The Big Guy” launched the Greatest Thanksgiving Promotion in TV history……. “