Harry The Hammer & The Chihuahua That Launched 1,000 Ships
Last week was a perfect example of me hesitating to go with one Hoot of a Story… and before I knew it there were Two Hoots… then Three Hoots … then … … everywhere I turned there were Hoots.
The Muse of Hoots turned on a firehose of Hoots and commanded me to drink from it … . Alls I can do now is try to recall the top 2-3 Hoots…
“Harry The Hammer” Smith tells ECU Chancellor Cecil P. Staton:
“G-Vegas ain’t big enuff fer both of us… and it’s My Town. So GIT!”
In a perfect world I might say “Guess what those rascals on the UNC Board of Governors have done NOW?” maybe once/year. But we are blessed with a UNC BOG that is the Herpes of Bureaucracies… it flares up more often that Hawaii’s Mauna Loa volcano.
Surely you recall former UNC BOG ChairSquirrel John “Trainwreck” Fennebresque from just a few years ago. “Trainwreck” tripped and fell more often that Rob Petrie (Dick Van Dyke) did over that ottoman. “Trainwreck’s” executive dexterity made Gerald Ford look like a Bolshoi ballerina. …There was never a one-car funeral that “Trainwreck” could not screw up.
Guys who do what I do – chronicle Societal Absurdities and Them what Perpetrate’em – are maybe blessed with one “Trainwreck” Fennebresque in a lifetime. I had “Trainwreck” and now I got “Harry The Hammer” Smith sitting exactly where “Trainwreck” once sat.
Maybe it’s “that chair” at the head of the BOG infamous U-shaped conference table? Does it need a WARNING label? Beware All Who Sit Here… You Will Develop Executive Behavior Akin To Benito Mussolini… (and Benito’s life did not end well.) … Anyhoo…
Last week “Harry The Hammer” (HTH) FIRED ECU Chancellor Cecil P. Staton. Whether or not HTH had the authority to do so is irrelevant. HTH says he does… so there.
By all accounts Cecil P. Staton was a nice guy and a quite competent Chancellor. Sure, he failed to bring College Football Glory to Dowdy-Ficklin… unless “beating UNC-CH like a rented mule” is one’s singular definition of “glory”. “Football Glory” is pretty much all that some / many / a lot of ECU folks care about so HTH running Cecil outta town was OK with them… IF HTH hires Saban, Belichek, or Dabo to replace him… of course.
Apparently HTH has REALLY disliked Cecil for quite a while for Lord Knows Why… including threatening ECU Trustees that if “they” dared to support Cecil P. Staton… bad stuff might happen to them.
NOTE: Prospective BOG Chairmen listing The Godfather as their favorite movie should be avoided when possible.
HTH had Interim UNC President Bill Roper place the horses’ head in Cecil’s bed… and that was that. Until BOG board member – Steve Long – sent a “blistering epistle” to anyone who cared that “Harry The Hammer” had gone rogue and … well “gone rogue” pretty well says it all.
Regional media including the ever-floundering News & Observer and “who went to rehab this week” WRAL-TV5, of course, pounced on the UNC BOG and HTH with their usual knee-jerk vengeance. They would do that even if a normal person was “in charge” but especially with ‘a loose nuke” like Harry rampaging across the DownEast countryside.
One of my multiple UNC BOG “inside sources” tells me “Cecil P. Staton probably needed to go”… but Cecil’s departure coulda been achieved without the media carnage of a Harry The Hammer Rampage… but what’s the fun in that.
Meanwhile on a campus far far away… another OMG HOOT was abrewin’…
NOTE: The Univ of Southern California loyalists are known as “Trojans”… (after the legendary City of Troy not the condoms). Since “Troy” and its Trojans were defeated in the only historical note 99% of people know… that’s like naming your sports teams “Custer’s 7th Cavalry” … OUCH!)
Sooo, when you think of Troy / Trojans you think of “Helen” who was married to Greek King Agamemnon’s brother Menelaus but was whisked away by Troy’s King Priam’s randy son Paris which precipitated The Trojan War … “Greeks bearing gifts”… “Achilles Heel” … et al.
All the above is a set-up to… with due respect to Homer… and to Helen.
The Chihuahua that Launched 1,000 ships and Burned the Topless Towers of Ilian.
Yes, indeedy… Carol “Chihuahua” Folt – the first of Two UNC System Chancellors Abruptly FIRED by “Harry The Hammer” Smith within a 60-day period – has bobbed to the surface 2,205 miles away in sunny scandal-ridden Los Angeles.
The Diminutive Former Dartmouthian is now – as you all have heard – the new President of The University of Southern California… former alma mater of “Olivia Jade” daughter of “Aunt Becky” and “Mossimo”. … and also of Reggie Bush and OJ.
USC officials announced that “Chihuahua” was the unanimous choice from over 100 other candidates. Keep that in context… Los Angelians have unanimously selected Maxine Waters and Adam Schiff to US Congress for 24 and 18 years respectively. … just sayin…
The USC press release further noted…. What Chihuahua offered that her 99 unworthy competitors could not match was “she has experience dealing with scandals”. No argument there… the USC announcement proceeded to list the litany of scandals that plagued UNC during her reign. Including, of course, TGU – THE GREATEST Athletic-Academic Eligibility Scandal in NCAA History.
NO, I was NOT contacted as part of USC’s not very wide-ranging due diligence on Madama Folt. But, you probably figured that, huh?
I wasn’t there of course, but it is rumored Madame Folt locked down her new gig by bringing forth a Muriel Cigar box full of multi-colored Causal Lapel Ribbons… and proclaiming..
All in Favor Say Aye… and she had nailed it.
It must be noted… USC President Chihuahua will be dealing with yet another statue of an Old White Guy brandishing a weapon – Tommy Trojan.
Will she repeat her strategy of a Midnight Removal of “Tommy”… or, as she did in Chapel Hill, simply prance about grinning like an opossum for the next 36 months proclaiming… “I am just tickled pink to be here, by golly…”